Goal: I went to bed at 10 again...and woke up around 2:30 #NailedIt. So I read the Screwtape Letters for a few hours and finally fell asleep when the sun rose...I don't know why that made me tired, but it worked!

The Lord's hand:
1. I got a ride to church!
2. It can be discouraging to think I can accomplish a huge change in my character. Heavenly Father reminded me: "Of course I can accomplish this! I have the Atonement!" I think sometimes I think it all comes down to willpower. If the Savior was able to help me overcome panic attacks and irrational fears, He can help me overcome any of my weaknesses. He knows how. The Atonement will not fail me in this.
3. I really am excited about this dating fast...
4. I came to understand vulnerability today. It's letting myself be myself. And I'm excited to do it. I'm excited to be myself. I tried it today and IT WAS SO FUN :D It is so nice to let my real self stretch instead of cramming her into the nearest trash can.
5. Among other things, being led to ablogaboutlove.com reinforced the importance of looking after myself physically so I can be in balance emotionally, smiling even when I don't feel like it, and even something as small as surrounding myself by the color yellow. I actually had that thought yesterday, when England was gray and my room was cold--"I need to wear something yellow or red." (Unfortunately, almost everything I packed is a variation of blue...I'm going to do some DI searching when I get home, yes I am yes I am.) But after reading that, I stole the yellow sheet off of one of the beds here to put on my bed, gathered together a stack of yellow books for the table, found some yellow flowers and leaves for my nightstand, and put a yellow post-it note on my bland gray notebook that now says "smile every day". Overboard? Not on your life :)
6. HUGE prayer answered (coming to love myself)--One of THE most important insights I gained today was being led to ablogaboutlove.com. Because of that, I am fighting against the constant barrage of negative self-talk I tell myself every day. I realized that if there was a pie chart of all my self-talk, there would be a meager slice for self-love. Most of the time it's "that was selfish," or "you need to work harder," etc. And while I should be working on all those things, I do not want to base even my self-worth on my actions, because, you know what? I am an unstable, fallible human being. I will never be perfect in this life, and there are a million things I need to do better. And I make a mental note of all of them. All day. Every day. So the thought that came to me (and made me cry!) that whenever I think to myself "Man, I'm so selfish," I finish the sentence with "and you know what? God still loves me, no matter what." I'll write it down a thousand times a day if I need to. If I could understand that one sentence, my life would be changed forever. I am praying and pleading that the Atonement can help me to please understand that. I am tired of self-loathing. It's time for some much needed self-loving. Please please please. I'm crying it up over here right now, harder than I have in a while, thinking about how He loves me and has always loved me. And even though I'm a big slobbery mess right now, He still loves me. This is one of the most important lessons I can ever ever learn. This is the tender mercy of my week, and will be one of the biggest tender mercies of my entire life.