Goal: I went to bed at 10 again...and woke up around 2:30 #NailedIt. So I read the Screwtape Letters for a few hours and finally fell asleep when the sun rose...I don't know why that made me tired, but it worked!

The Lord's hand:
1. I got a ride to church!
2. It can be discouraging to think I can accomplish a huge change in my character. Heavenly Father reminded me: "Of course I can accomplish this! I have the Atonement!" I think sometimes I think it all comes down to willpower. If the Savior was able to help me overcome panic attacks and irrational fears, He can help me overcome any of my weaknesses. He knows how. The Atonement will not fail me in this.
3. I really am excited about this dating fast...
4. I came to understand vulnerability today. It's letting myself be myself. And I'm excited to do it. I'm excited to be myself. I tried it today and IT WAS SO FUN :D It is so nice to let my real self stretch instead of cramming her into the nearest trash can.
5. Among other things, being led to ablogaboutlove.com reinforced the importance of looking after myself physically so I can be in balance emotionally, smiling even when I don't feel like it, and even something as small as surrounding myself by the color yellow. I actually had that thought yesterday, when England was gray and my room was cold--"I need to wear something yellow or red." (Unfortunately, almost everything I packed is a variation of blue...I'm going to do some DI searching when I get home, yes I am yes I am.) But after reading that, I stole the yellow sheet off of one of the beds here to put on my bed, gathered together a stack of yellow books for the table, found some yellow flowers and leaves for my nightstand, and put a yellow post-it note on my bland gray notebook that now says "smile every day". Overboard? Not on your life :)
6. HUGE prayer answered (coming to love myself)--One of THE most important insights I gained today was being led to ablogaboutlove.com. Because of that, I am fighting against the constant barrage of negative self-talk I tell myself every day. I realized that if there was a pie chart of all my self-talk, there would be a meager slice for self-love. Most of the time it's "that was selfish," or "you need to work harder," etc. And while I should be working on all those things, I do not want to base even my self-worth on my actions, because, you know what? I am an unstable, fallible human being. I will never be perfect in this life, and there are a million things I need to do better. And I make a mental note of all of them. All day. Every day. So the thought that came to me (and made me cry!) that whenever I think to myself "Man, I'm so selfish," I finish the sentence with "and you know what? God still loves me, no matter what." I'll write it down a thousand times a day if I need to. If I could understand that one sentence, my life would be changed forever. I am praying and pleading that the Atonement can help me to please understand that. I am tired of self-loathing. It's time for some much needed self-loving. Please please please. I'm crying it up over here right now, harder than I have in a while, thinking about how He loves me and has always loved me. And even though I'm a big slobbery mess right now, He still loves me. This is one of the most important lessons I can ever ever learn. This is the tender mercy of my week, and will be one of the biggest tender mercies of my entire life.

I just had a really good insight during scripture study. I was reading in Helaman 5:24-25 about Nephi and Lehi being surrounded by fire in the prison. As I looked up the footnotes to the verses, I started to see a theme: if I am correct, visitations from the Lord are often accompanied by fire (Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego, Moses and the burning bush and the pillar of fire, Lehi's vision, the pillar of light in the First Vision, etc). I thought of the words "the Spirit of God like a fire is burning" from the hymn The Spirit of God. I realized that these verses show us what the Spirit does in our lives--when our lives are filled with the Spirit, we are spiritually protected. That is a simple truth, but it was amazing to make that connection during my studying. Also, the fire accompanied each of these people when they were conversing with the Lord. This painted a powerful image to me of the spiritual protection found in prayer. I have heard of the parable of the armor of God, but I like this parable of prayer as fire. It is so powerful!

P.S. I had a thought the other night...I want to start preparing to be a seminary teacher. The likelihood of it actually happening isn't very big, but at institute the other day, by a curious set of circumstances, I was led to think about being one some day. Either way, I feel like it would be a very powerful way to help me continue to progress spiritually and have something to work towards. One way I would like to prepare is by labeling all the quotes I put on here so that I can easily retrieve them later.

Scripture Power

"Your gospel study is most effective when you are taught by the Holy Ghost. Always begin your gospel study by praying for the Holy Ghost to help you learn. He will bring knowledge and conviction that will bless your life and allow you to bless the lives of others. Your faith in Jesus Christ will increase. Your desire to repent and improve will grow. This kind of study prepares you for service, offers solace, resolves problems, and gives you the strength to endure to the end." -Preach My Gospel, pg.

The scriptures are a very powerful way to help you do what is right. It is what helped me to come to Virginia. I remember one day needing courage to follow through with the prompting, and so I just opened the Book of Mormon and flipped randomly, page after page. Phrases like "blessed are they who will...hearken unto the voice of the Lord their God; for these are they that shall be saved", "they did pray unto the Lord their God continually, insomuch that the Lord did bless them", and even the warning stories of people who pridefully "depended upon their own strength" and "did walk after the desires of [their] own heart[s]"--these phrases gave me the courage and the perspective to act. I am so grateful for the scriptures. I feel like just reading them alone helps me to do what's right, even if I'm not aware of it. I know that they keep me on-track every day, remembering the things that matter most. They are the spiritual compass that helps me see where I may be getting off-course in my life so I can make course corrections. They are a spiritual measuring stick as I ask myself introspective questions. They invite the Spirit so that if there is more specific counsel just for me, I can hear it. They are my spiritual nourishment, and I will never stop reading them.