My Savior

He has carried me when I couldn't go a step further. I've felt His comfort, I've felt His presence. He has given me every blessing I have in my life! A thought came to me a while ago that Christ is the most perfect being to ever walk on earth, which means He could rebuke me because I'm not, but because He is perfect, He doesn't. If the gospel were personified, it would be Christ - He is the happiest, most kind, most loving person I have ever known, even though I can't remember Him completely.

He is real - I've felt His presence before. He brings the greatest peace in the world, a peace I long for and pine over every day - the same spirit I feel when I watch the Forgotten Carols, the feeling I had at the Oquirrh Mountain temple open house, the joy of Temple Square - He is familiar. He's come through for me every single time, and any success I've had is because of what He gave up for me. He lived for me, He died for me, and if I were the only one to be saved through the Atonement (thank Heavens it's not that way), He would still do it, because He loves me so so much - an unconditional love, so that even when I mess up or I'm slothful or a plethora of other mistakes I make every single day, He still loves me, and He loves me deeper because He knows exactly how it feels to go through what I have - because He has.

Sometimes I believe I'm going to have to plead my case when I get to the Judgment Bar, that I will have forgotten to repent for one thing that will keep me out of the celestial kingdom, but that's not how it's going to be. Because He went through my hardest times, He knows why I feel the way I do sometimes. He will be the One pleading my case and He will be worthy to plead it because He is without sin. He was not forced into the Atonement. He chose to use His agency to take upon Himself the sins of the world so we could live with our Father again. That is a love indescribable, impossible to even comprehend!

I hope when I see Him again I'll recognize Him and He will recognize me because His light will shine through my eyes and His countenance will show in my face. I hope when others see me, they will really see Him. When I see Him I'm sure I will just start sobbing because He loves me so much. I will do everything within my power to feel worthy to give Him a hug! He's my Big Brother, my Best Friend. I can't remember what He looks like, but I do know Who He is, because I see Him every day. I see Christ in you, my brothers and sisters; in your beauty of creativity, in your confidence, your kindness, your happiness. Anything that you let shine is a mirror of my Savior to me.

I think when he comes again He will be giving service. The other day I saw such an incredible sunset that thinking about it now takes my breath away. It could have been the Second Coming, I swear! Even just imagining that it could be got me so excited. I am obsessed with clouds. I read in the Bible Dictionary that Christ will come in a cloud which makes me think He took me aside before I came to earth and said something like "Now keep an eye on the clouds for Me; that's how I'm coming!"

Sometimes Christ seems far away to me, but He's closer than I realize, disguised as a friend giving me a hug when I need it most or my mum giving me comfort or even as a talking lion from the Chronicles of Narnia! The Atonement works before Judgment Day; it's an everyday thing. I still don't understand it completely, but my seminary teacher clarified it more for me - the Atonement is not the grief or the natural consequences we feel from sin, it is the peace we feel when Christ has changed us and smoothed out our rough edges. Any changes I've made in my life have come from Christ - through Him I can pray to my Father for help to cast off the natural man, and the help my Father sends is Christ.

I love my Savior so much. He has given me the opportunity for eternal life and repaid a debt I could never repay. I am forever in His debt, but instead of treating me like a servant, He sees the queen in me that I sometimes can't see in myself. He helps me see that I am a goddess-in-training! He is real. I have felt His presence before. He will come again. He is your best friend too, and if you don't know it, I challenge you to pray to feel His love for you. I promise that you will feel it. These things are true and I say them in the name of my Savior, my Big Brother, King of Kings, Prince of Peace, the Son of God, Jesus Christ. Amen.

Angel Face

Mmm. :) Here's my list:
Owl City
The Script
Coldplay
Kalai

So, you know how the Script is famous now? Just for the record, I heard them a year before their music even hopped the pond to the States. haha. One day in England I heard "The Man Who Can't Be Moved" but it didn't exist when I looked for it! But oh man, I love them! What is it about those singers in my homeland? They're just so dang good! haha. Mmm. Some bands make me love music so much!

I just had a thought. Some people are really picky with their food. Some people are really picky with their music. I'm the latter. haha. As long as the food is edible and passes the Word of Wisdom test, I'll eat it! Here's my theory. If the food is gross, after a while I won't have to deal with it! But! If the music is gross - man, it is stuck in my mind forever. Which is why I am so dang picky. It gets tough when I'm around people with different standards and I have to stick up for myself, because it makes me wonder if I'm the only one. I had to do it in class once and ended up transferring out because I knew the situation wasn't going to change. I'm trying to make it out of this life as innocent as possible! I really do not see the appeal in the gross media out there. I know what a huge impact music can have on me, which is why I'm so picky. So there. Eat your peas. haha

In other news!

Happy Christmas!

I'm wondering if I'm the only one out there who feels like it isn't even Christmas. What a Scrooge! How dare I. haha. And I'm wondering why I feel this way. Can it just be because the weather didn't get the memo? Is it because Santa turned into my dad? It's the weirdest thing!

"I celebrate Christmas because it's His birthday." -Christmas Song, Owl City

In other other news, I love memories so much. Yesterday, watching a sunset that looked like it could be the Second Coming, I had a thought. What if you could travel to incredible memories? haha. I'm pretty sure I would never get anything done though, because I would just keep going back! Sometimes I wonder if I'm recording things well enough. When I look back through my journals, will I even remember what I was talking about? Will "POTATOES!" even make sense to me when I'm 36? Am I taking enough pictures? Taking pictures of the right things? Better safe than sorry, I say. I heard once that we forget 80 percent of the things that happen in a day!

Pixilies!

Mmm. I luhh

creativity.

haha. Who am I kidding, I just steal everyone else's ideas and make it into a huge stew. But dang, does it taste good! haha

Some of my latest pieces...ahaha. Picnik is awesome!

Random Always

Where do I begin? I've realized that I have been super busy lately. Which is kind of cool? When I look after myself...aka homework and sleep and Personal Progress and running program and winter tennis and piano practice every day and scripture study and etc. Wow. Enough of this guilt, hmm?

One of my ward family sent me an anonymous letter the other week with kind words. :) They said that Satan is the father of ALL lies; the lies we tell ourselves - that we're not doing well enough, God doesn't accept our offerings, we don't deserve love, we aren't pretty or smart - all lies. I bet before we came down to earth God put His arm around our shoulder and as we looked down on the world He said something like "Do you see them? They're angels of the devil, and they're whispering lies to my other children. My kids can't see them, and so sometimes they don't know who's telling them what they hear, and they believe it. Sometimes the world will put up such deceptions that it gets really hard to believe something they can't see or remember. But you know, they can feel it. It feels right to remember. I love my kids, and to see them not know of what incredible infinite worth they are hurts me. Remember, when you get down there, WHO YOU ARE. Others will try to tell you otherwise, but you know something? I can whisper to you too. You'll forget who you are, just like Christ forgot when He was born, but just ask me to remind you - I will. All you have to do is decide who you'll believe, and when I tell you the truth, doubt not, fear not, only believe."

I guess what I was going to say next would've been ironic considering what I just wrote. I'm going to switch things around. For me, I have this false sense of humility - "Say you're not worth a lot or you'll be prideful," crosses my mind. Now, would my Father, the One Who loves me more than I could ever understand (even though I'm trying to understand), tell me that? No. Man, Satan disguises his lies well. Thank Heavens (literally) for the Holy Ghost. :)

Mmm. Alright, this is going to be sweet! A positive attitude is as contagious as swine flu! SPEAKING of donating blood...I couldn't. Apparently I have mad cow disease. Haha, just joking. But, I couldn't donate today because I've lived in England. I was almost a top-notch donorsaraus! :)

"Let no one leave your presence without being better and happier." -Mother Teresa

P.S. I Love You: I'm going to try out this new-age picture show-and-tell!

P.P.S. I love my family! I want to be with them more, doing fun stuff. :)

A Word on Self-Worth

Life is hopeful.

Of late I've been learning to love myself and remember who I am. I have always depended on others to tell me of my self-worth, but once I realize that they too are human, I cannot depend on them anymore! Which does not make me love them any less. But, I love books for this reason: they tell me stuff I need to know. :) One book told me that I cannot fully love and appreciate others until I love myself! Which made me realize that the boys I've held dear aren't wrong for me, I just need to realize my self-worth and increase my self-esteem. Poor boys that I've depended on for so much. I'm sorry! haha. This is the part where I realize that loving yourself is not pride, it is respect. It is putting away that false humility to see that I do not need to, and in fact should not, pretend I am less than I am for whatever reason.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
-Marianne Williamson

So for my own sake and for the sake of others, I will no longer hide my true self out of fear, especially considering I can think of no one who likes the person I pretend to be more than my true self. Who do I think I am to try to please other people by letting them categorize me like a school lunch?! Blasphemy, I say.

For so long I have tried to increase my confidence in a plethora of ways. Now I see that when I remember who I am, all other aspects of confidence will fall into place, just like driving up a hill is easier to do when the car is in drive instead of neutral.

So, in truth, I write this blog to make my thoughts more tangible and pliable. Almost like a math problem, it's easier for me to figure out my thoughts if they're in front of me.

From now on I'm getting my self-worth from my Heavenly Father and my self-esteem from myself. :) Onward!

The thesis of this essay is that I can count on others for happiness and memories; for many many things, actually! But, when it comes to the fibers of my soul, I cannot give others the undue responsibility of telling me who I am. That's the part where I pray to remember myself, get off my knees, and go find out. :)

Living In a Den of Thieves

I am so frustrated right now. I NEED A HUG! :/ I know I shouldn't complain because I am so freakishly blessed, but I want to progress! Both of the family cars breaking down today within a mile of each other just restated the fact that I want to progress like I did for a mere molecule in my life and I don't know how.

Music can make such a difference. "Smile" by Uncle Kracker makes me see that life is a play with a happy ending, and the conflicts are only there to thicken the plot. Men are that they might have joy!

And I want him to have joy. He's not being himself and I can totally see it. I see him almost every day, I have conversations with him, but I haven't talked to him in weeks. I miss summer talks on the roof of his car. Oh buddy. Be happy! :( I miss you. And I miss you so much. I want you to be happy! Please. You're there, but you're not you. Don't give in! Don't give up! You are so good! Remember that! I don't know how to help you. I pray for you every day. Do I need to distract like you distract a baby so that you forget your troubles, whatever they are? You're the bubbly boy emulated in Owl City! You're not this frustrated guy I keep see hiding behind his smiles. I just want to hug the happy back into you. I know this is a phase of yours. I'm sticking with you through this. What's bothering you? I don't even care how it ends up between you and me as long as we're in God's hands, but be happy! Please! I'm so frustrated that you're frustrated. I can't just sit back and watch you like this.

Men + Women

I have this theory. Well, two theories. First of all, if a girl needs a guy to open a jar, he can easily, breezily do it. (In her presence, of course.) However, if the man is alone, he can twist and turn all he wants, that pickle jar will not budge! Maybe the hunter-gatherer-protector gene still lives on in the Y-chromosome. :)

Secondly! I have this theory that women have been trained to want marriage and children since childhood! We play with baby dolls and dress up as princesses when we're little...who else dresses up like princesses? Brides! We've been bamboozled, taught to seek after only a man and children! Okay, so maybe that was an exaggeration, but that's how I'm feeling.

Men don't seem to worry about those things until age 21, while women start at...birth. While girls get the marriage prep lessons in Young Women's, the guys are being taught to survive in priesthood. What's up with that! Women's rights!

Thirdly! I love men. :) They're so easy to figure out, so unwilling to hurt others. How do I explain it? They're just simple creatures, doing the best they can, and doing it very well, might I add.

Good Day|||Bad Day

You can't have the sweet without the bitter, right?

So, I hit a dog today. Saddest thing of my life. Seriously. If you guys have ever hit an animal = not fun. I felt horrible.

On the other hand, I got really close to my one true guy friend today. Literally. He smells good.

Okay.

Just kidding.

I meant that figuratively.

This links into my experiment about mindset! Today, I says to myself, after much deliberation, "I am myself." And guess what! I totally was! Incredible what the human mind can do.

Which led to a revelation: I realized why I've been acting so upset. I wasn't being myself! If I'm someone else, my real self has got to get jealous, right? So, plain as that.

Which, in conclusion, led to my deary and I sitting on his porch, contemplating our relatively short lives in rocking chairs, our elbows swelling up at the first sign of rain, and other grandpa-esque things.

And it was good

CRAZY, I KNOW! THAT'S WHY I USED UPPERCASE LETTERS!

Wow.

I just realized that I really really really need to purge. Metaphorically speaking. I think my fingers have been mad at me for abusing their powers to write creative and eversohumble (look it up in a dictionary) words. HEAVENS! Is this what has been missing? Urg. Heaven knows I need somewhere to vent my creativity. It's being smothered!

In other news: I have to tell you something that might change your life: your thoughts can change who you are! Surprise! I'm still experimenting with this hypothesis, but I'll tell you how this goes, considering I'm dying to know, and have been since age...12. So. A while. Long experiment...big payoff?!

Seventhly, Facebook is inadequate for expressing myself. Which I why I was directed to Bloggerrr. Or maybe this will be another place to forget my password and email address to. Diligence! Go! Fight! Win!

Twelvethly, I can't get my font off of bold. And it's too late for my to want to. Just imagine that I'm really passionate about what I'm about to say: I have a headache. And at this moment in time, I want for nothing. Let's see if I still feel that way tomorrow morning...when it's raining...and I'm supposed to be at tennis practice...and guilt mixed with tiredness and more guilt sink in...mmm hmm. Should be good.

Man I needed somewhere to purge/grow my creativity. It was withering! I forgot it existed!

Also, "Cold December" by Matt Costa. You're welcome.

You know, I think I'm liking the bold look!