"Of Regrets and Resolutions"

Dear three people who read this blog:

I had an epiphany last night. Actually, it was at 2 am this morning. ANYWAYS, let me tell you my story...

(curtains pull back mysteriously)

Heavenly Father told me last night in a way that couldn't be unheard that I need to stop trying to find happiness by changing my circumstances. Each thread in the string that was supposed to support my happiness was cut individually over this last semester. Last night was the last thread (or straw, you could say). In a way that sort of poked the bruises of my weaknesses, I got the message.

And so, after that event happened and after sitting on the couch moaning about it, I remembered that I still needed to read my scriptures. It was two in the morning (but that's normal, haha). I sat down on the kitchen floor to do so. I tried studying the Book of Mormon, but it's hard to pull out applications when you're sitting on your kitchen floor, with a headache, mind preoccupied with the last few hours' events, at two in the morning. I turned instead to general conference talks. Heavenly Father loves me. He directed me to the exact talks I needed. I have been wondering for a while now how to become truly converted, and I found the answer in Elder Ballard's "Be Anxiously Engaged": "...

Do we just go through the motions, or are we truly converted to the gospel of Jesus Christ? How do we take the seed of faith that has been nurtured in our minds and plant it deep in the fertile soil of our souls? How do we make the mighty change of heart that Alma says is essential for our eternal happiness and peace? (see Alma 5:12–21)....There is one simple daily practice that can make a difference for every member of the Church, including you boys and girls, you young men and you young women, you single adults, and you fathers and mothers.

That simple practice is: In your morning prayer each new day, ask Heavenly Father to guide you to recognize an opportunity to serve one of His precious children. Then go throughout the day with your heart full of faith and love, looking for someone to help. Stay focused, just like the honeybees focus on the flowers from which to gather nectar and pollen. [A side note from Suzy: This is important for me, because I often get distracted by to-do lists and stresses. I'm going to change that.] If you do this, your spiritual sensitivities will be enlarged and you will discover opportunities to serve that you never before realized were possible."

And, if that wasn't enough of an answer to prayer, Heavenly Father gave me another talk! "Of Regrets and Resolutions" by President Uchtdorf. "So often we get caught up in the illusion that there is something just beyond our reach that would bring us happiness: a better family situation, a better financial situation, or the end of a challenging trial...The older we get, the more we look back and realize that external circumstances don’t really matter or determine our happiness. We do matter. We determine our happiness. You and I are ultimately in charge of our own happiness...We shouldn’t wait to be happy until we reach some future point, only to discover that happiness was already available—all the time! Life is not meant to be appreciated only in retrospect. “This is the day which the Lord hath made … ,” the Psalmist wrote. “Rejoice and be glad in it.”6 Brothers and sisters, no matter our circumstances, no matter our challenges or trials, there is something in each day to embrace and cherish. There is something in each day that can bring gratitude and joy if only we will see and appreciate it. Perhaps we should be looking less with our eyes and more with our hearts. I love the quote: “One sees clearly only with the heart. Anything essential is invisible to the eyes.”7 We are commanded “to give thanks in all things.”8 So isn’t it better to see with our eyes and hearts even the small things we can be thankful for, rather than magnifying the negative in our current condition? [this phrase was the climax for me]...Let us resolve to be happy, regardless of our circumstances."

I realized something VERY important last night. No set of circumstances, no matter how perfect they are, will EVER make me happy. Only my attitude can do that. And that attitude depends upon two things: gratitude and service. And those are two things that I CAN control, no matter what my circumstances are. So, from now on I'm going to stop paying attention to the tiny problems in my life and instead focus on my blessings and on others. I'm going to spend my thoughts on searching out the opportunity to serve daily that Heavenly Father has put in my path, all day ery day. And I'm going to be infinitely happier for it. :)

I'll tell you what, I test-drove being grateful and giving service this morning. I have not been that happy in far too long.

I've heard this truth for years! But sometimes I need things phrased the perfect way at the perfect time for it to finally resonant with me. It's like when someone tries to find your reflex by hitting under your kneecap in just the right spot. BOOM. That was last night. MAY I NEVER FORGET IT. I needed to write this post so that if I lose my focus again, I can remember this truth and be happy again.

I have a testimony that the conference addresses given each six months contain the answer to whatever trial you're facing. I don't know how He does it, but Heavenly Father fills those twelve hours of talks with something that will bless each of His children who will listen, with whatever they face the incoming months. And, in terms of my new world view (in other words, repentance), I am SO grateful to know that no matter what comes in my life, I have a sure and steady guide in the prophets to help me personally, though I will probably never sit down to counsel with them personally. I'm so grateful for that assurance. I invite you to utilize that blessing daily: http://www.lds.org/general-conference/