So, I am finally catching up! This is my summer. It ends next week exactly, where I will be shipped off to college! Everyone else has left for school, except a future missionary friend who is grateful for eyebrows! And what a summer. All the thrills and trills of a roller coaster! Wow. In retrospect, it covered the spectrum. Mostly fulfillment is what I felt, with moments of pure bliss. Things always seems so incredible in retrospect, huh? You realize how great it was when it's over. But it still leaves you feeling happy, despite missing it. I've really got to learn to live in the present!
So I would say that there were three hallmark moments this summer for me: the Arise youth spectacular, my sixth and final EFY, and England - twice!
The spectacular was just that! Man, it was so much fun! I'm so grateful for the people who put so much work and stress into it. I really enjoyed every minute of it. When people would say "Thank you so much for coming out. I know it's hard," I would think, "Really? This is so much fun, being surrounded by such fun, good people, learning how to sing and dance and wear angel costumes and hip-hop!" haha. I will always remember being in the gym, a zoo of people dressed up in every thinkable costume except a chicken suit! I loved the firesides before the dress rehearsal and two performances. The speaker on the last night talked about passion, I remember. That talk has such good feelings associated with it. It was just one of those times where you stop and think to yourself "This moment is absolutely perfect." And it was. The strength of 3000 youth under one roof was almost palpable.
I loved the opening fireside in January to announce the huge project, I loved the stake practices, I especially loved the council practices, because it was the extra credit to high school. I got to see all my friends one last time, having the best time! And I loved the practices with the other councils, as all the hard work came together. The dress rehearsal and performances were so much fun! There were no butterflies, surrounded by 3000 other kids doing the same thing! It was one of the greatest opportunities that I have been blessed with.
One of my favorite memories from this spectacular was our last practice as the North Council. Up on Weber High's football field, the sun was setting and it was our final dress rehearsal. We went through the whole thing with no major mistakes, showing that battling rain, hail, and heat pays off! There was an incredible spirit in the air, and God was definitely teaching me a life lesson. I'm usually a shy person and I have been my whole life. My friend told me once that our greatest weaknesses on earth were our greatest strengths in heaven. Well, that really applied to me on this night! As the sun was setting and its rays were turning golden (sometimes called Magic Hour), everyone was in the best mood. I started talking to everyone around me, not just people I knew, and it instantly felt so natural! Where I have been timid much of my life, tonight I was totally myself and it felt so good to stretch out my soul! Along with the happiness everyone was already feeling at our spectacular success, I was personally feeling God's gift of seeing more of who I really am. Like the rays of that Magic Hour, that moment in my mind will always remain golden.
Well, I am writing this post to finally finish up Personal Progress! One more hour on this puppy and I'm calling it good. :) It's only taken me six years! That's what happens when you have perfectionism syndrome. The things that I seriously could have passed off five years ago were never quite perfect. But I had to grow!
Okay, so the rest of my summer. :) Clap clap, clap clap clap, clap clap, clap clap clap, E-F-Y! Seriously the greatest week of the whole month. Maybe the whole year. :) But this year, my old age caught up to me! For the first two or three days on and off, I had a horrible attitude. Satan was trying really hard on me, trying to tell me that I was too old and I could be spending my time better. But although I was seriously considering becoming an EFY dropout, God kept me going for the whole time. No wonder Satan didn't want me to go - my testimony got an upgrade there! I learned that truly, we cannot change ourselves. That hit me so hard as the Spirit said "You've known that all along, huh?" Finally it clicked for me. And I cried. Definitely. haha. The other important thing I learned was that I am a daughter of God! Before, that had not clicked with me, and it was repeated so much that it lost its meaning to me. But as our choir director described, Heavenly Father is our Daddy. I have never really thought of it that way. It totally changed my thoughts about Him - now, instead of trying to not be condemned by Him, I could imagine myself as a little girl waving to Him in the pews as we sang. I'm way big on visual and thoughts, and it's hard for me if I don't have a parallel to draw with it, so those few words changed my life. They probably wouldn't have if they weren't said with such love. Some people just have that gift. :) Also, I learned that I need gratitude. The Spirit whispered it to me during scripture study, and the next day our devotional was about gratitude. Coincidence? Nope. :) This was definitely a more spiritual EFY than a friend EFY, but the EFY spirit was still there, and days after it left me yearning for the sheer beauty of such joy. I had to come down off the mountain (as my last post describes). haha
The other big thing was England. The first time I went was with my family. Truthfully, I did not want to come back to America. I fell in love. Hard. The scenery, the lifestyle, the sincerity of the people, coupled with being with family, was beautiful. Then, battling jet lag one night, in the dead silence, a terrifying thought came to me. It had no negative or positive connotations, it was just a thought: "What if I stayed in England?" Okay, that deeply upset me. This was the only summer that I have ever really had that freedom, and it was scary. I was still wondering whether to go or stay the day before I left, but upon my grandma saying I should go home, I thought I should go home, considering it was her house we were staying at. ;) Also, Mum reminded me that I was planning on the spectacular and EFY. I thought I was clear, until lo and behold, in the middle of a sacrament meeting a few weeks later back at home, the thoughts came back. Upon first thinking them, I was still, yes, terrified. But upon further examination through a few days, it became more realistic to me. Yes, two years ago I was scared out of my mind to ride a plane for ten hours as I suffered from panic attacks. But wasn't it God who cured me of my panic attacks by having the faith to believe that He would catch me? He did catch me. :) So I ended up on a plane on August 3, crying in my mother's arms to be so far away for so long. I didn't even know why I was going, but since I couldn't figure it out, I decided to try and find out when I got there. Honestly, still today I don't know exactly why I went. I wasn't saved from a terrible earthquake, I didn't convert any loved ones, and I didn't find my future husband. But I changed. Being immersed in that environment, I became. I found out that God changes us through challenges. He brings out the godhood in us that can't be coaxed out by ten-week plans. It is hard. I spent most nights being the most lonely I have ever been. But what I'm trying to say is that God makes things possible. My dad is a pilot. My grandparents live in England. It was possible. And I grew. I became more confident, I found out how much I love gardening, I helped my grandpa write five chapters of his life story, I became more independent but also closer to my family, I came to appreciate the beauty of where I live plus the joy of being surrounded by friends and members of my church to help keep me strong. Still, I worry about what God will whisper for me to do next, because, yes, it is hard. But if it has the power to change me, alright. I hope to have as great of strength as Lehi and Nephi to follow dreams (literally) and compasses to a promised land. Sometimes it is hard to know what is from God; but although Satan can counterfeit many other emotions (lust for love, thrills for joy), he cannot counterfeit peace. And that's how I knew with England. Considering between staying and going, staying left me with a feeling comfort but no peace. Going left me with fear but peace. I chose to go. I'm hoping this isn't a brag post. It was just probably the biggest step of faith I've taken. A big decision. And you reading this (whoever you are) can do it too. 1 Nephi 3:7, baby. God makes all His commandments possible. TRUTH!
Also, a big step for me this summer is deciding to delete Facebook. And I'm certain that if I hadn't gone to England the second time, this decision would be way way harder, if possible at all. We take certain paths, and depending on what they are, it makes it easier or harder to make good decisions later on! Still, it is ALWAYS possible for us to choose the right. But I'm sure England helped me. :) In fact, that was another thing I learned in England. Facebook is a humongous waste of time for me and it accomplishes very very little for the time I have put into it. haha. In fact, while in England, as I was tempted to go on Facebook, I would stop and say "Wait. What is something that I can accomplish right now instead?". As I did those simple things, the temptation vanished. There was no desire to waste my life any longer. Still, weeks later, it is the same way. Truth has been shed on Facebook. It was a hard decision for me (not as hard as England, however. haha), but this talk - http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?hideNav=1&locale=0&sourceId=1e9ef6e4ff3b8210VgnVCM100000176f620a____&vgnextoid=f318118dd536c010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD - by Brother Bednar sealed my decision. It is difficult to cuts ties with so many people at once, but when the doubts hit my mind, God always has His peaceful counterattacks, and it always wins. For every doubt there is truth. Truth is so comforting, I've found. And living without Facebook is so freeing, as I've also found. My creativity has opened up, my to-do lists are getting done, and as I try to put in more good, I'm hoping to do more service and strengthen my relationship with my family and with the glorious gift of my physical body. Satan tries to minimize the importance of our bodies and he can be pretty effective in our technology-drenched society. After making this decision, I have found that before I lived in two worlds: virtual and real. And by spending such excess in the virtual, the real became less real. Now, I'm not saying everyone needs to delete their Facebook. For some people, it is a tool in God's hands. For me, it is a waste of agency and a desensitizer. According to the definition of an addiction, I definitely had one. Now, I'm not free just by deleting it. That's just getting rid of the sin, and as repentance is defined, I must replace the bad with the good. I favor service. It is a cure-all! Incredible. I love it. Okay, so this post has definitely been a brag post. I'm sorry, a'ight! I have just been letting my brain work through my fingers, no editing and re-editing. These words are my own! Prideful? Probably. That's a pretty all-encompassing sin. But I hope that anything I've said has helped someone reading this to make a tough decision, or feel the Spirit, or choose to be more humble than I have been. ;) haha
And now for a super-wonderful-mom upside-exciting time in my life! BYU-Idaho. :) Bring on the thunder! I'm stoked like a wildfire. :)
