9.17.2010
We Have a Great Responsibility
"Young women, we send out a call throughout all the world—not a call you can hear only with your ears, lest it sound preachy; not a call you read only with your eyes, lest it look ordinary on the printed page—but rather a call that you hear with your heart and spirit. If you will pause and listen with your spirit, you will hear the call—the call for you, not someone else; the call for today, not tomorrow; a call to join with all the other young women in the Church, those who are righteous and those who need help and encouragement to set aside the things that are keeping them from becoming who they really are to become." -Ardeth G. Kapp
9.15.2010
Hi College. :)
Hooray! I'm at college! And yesterday I was so stressed! But the good thing about hard times is that they make good times. I'm dropping an expensive, not-very-revelant class and I already feel so much better just thinking about it! Phew. :) In other news, college is awesome! Sometimes I just stop and think, "Wait. I'm in college?" Other times I stop and think "Wait. There's a world out there?" BYU-Idaho was placed in Rexburg for a reason. ;)
My roommates are so awesome! I luff them! We have crazy wild dancing British-toned times, and our funny quote board is already full. I laugh so much with them. And our ward is awesome! A new start!
P.S. I am full up on eye candy! We have some stud muffins for sale up here in Rexburg! And can I just say that when a guy wears cute glasses, I'm already instantly attracted to him? True story.
I love that the temple is literally up the hill! Being so stressed, I went up there yesterday. It was so nice. Helped me focus again - I'm going to try to go weekly. I will definitely need it to survive college! And to survive spiritually.
Which brings me to our first devotional! President Clark and his wife spoke about the poison of entitlement - ie: thinking that we deserve things and not being grateful. A heart pricker for sure! I definitely needed it. He said there are three things we can do to replace the spirit of entitlement with humility: 1. sincere prayer 2. taking the sacrament sincerely 3. attending the temple. So I guess I already fulfilled one of those yesterday! And it felt awesome. Again, phew. :)
What was I going to say...oh yes! My first assignments! Were awesome. My professors assigned us to read talks for our first assignments - talks! This is my school. :) And yesterday for intro to landscape architecture we got to go to the beautiful gardens and take pictures! My favorite. I love humanities - our class is so fun! I've decided I love classic art and classic music. Oh, and here's my first drawing I did for online drawing:
I love drawing! I love art! Right now I'm sort of trying to decide between an art major and a horticulture major. It'll probably end up being something totally different. haha. College is fun! And it kind of seems like everyone I know reminds me of someone else...a hint of home. :) P.S. I am trying to focus on FRIENDS, not GUYS. I'm so ready!
Alright, I am ready to tackle homework! And Jack Johnson, I love you!
And Caitlin Stack, I love you more!
8.29.2010
Summer 2010
So, I am finally catching up! This is my summer. It ends next week exactly, where I will be shipped off to college! Everyone else has left for school, except a future missionary friend who is grateful for eyebrows! And what a summer. All the thrills and trills of a roller coaster! Wow. In retrospect, it covered the spectrum. Mostly fulfillment is what I felt, with moments of pure bliss. Things always seems so incredible in retrospect, huh? You realize how great it was when it's over. But it still leaves you feeling happy, despite missing it. I've really got to learn to live in the present!
So I would say that there were three hallmark moments this summer for me: the Arise youth spectacular, my sixth and final EFY, and England - twice!
The spectacular was just that! Man, it was so much fun! I'm so grateful for the people who put so much work and stress into it. I really enjoyed every minute of it. When people would say "Thank you so much for coming out. I know it's hard," I would think, "Really? This is so much fun, being surrounded by such fun, good people, learning how to sing and dance and wear angel costumes and hip-hop!" haha. I will always remember being in the gym, a zoo of people dressed up in every thinkable costume except a chicken suit! I loved the firesides before the dress rehearsal and two performances. The speaker on the last night talked about passion, I remember. That talk has such good feelings associated with it. It was just one of those times where you stop and think to yourself "This moment is absolutely perfect." And it was. The strength of 3000 youth under one roof was almost palpable.
I loved the opening fireside in January to announce the huge project, I loved the stake practices, I especially loved the council practices, because it was the extra credit to high school. I got to see all my friends one last time, having the best time! And I loved the practices with the other councils, as all the hard work came together. The dress rehearsal and performances were so much fun! There were no butterflies, surrounded by 3000 other kids doing the same thing! It was one of the greatest opportunities that I have been blessed with.
One of my favorite memories from this spectacular was our last practice as the North Council. Up on Weber High's football field, the sun was setting and it was our final dress rehearsal. We went through the whole thing with no major mistakes, showing that battling rain, hail, and heat pays off! There was an incredible spirit in the air, and God was definitely teaching me a life lesson. I'm usually a shy person and I have been my whole life. My friend told me once that our greatest weaknesses on earth were our greatest strengths in heaven. Well, that really applied to me on this night! As the sun was setting and its rays were turning golden (sometimes called Magic Hour), everyone was in the best mood. I started talking to everyone around me, not just people I knew, and it instantly felt so natural! Where I have been timid much of my life, tonight I was totally myself and it felt so good to stretch out my soul! Along with the happiness everyone was already feeling at our spectacular success, I was personally feeling God's gift of seeing more of who I really am. Like the rays of that Magic Hour, that moment in my mind will always remain golden.
Well, I am writing this post to finally finish up Personal Progress! One more hour on this puppy and I'm calling it good. :) It's only taken me six years! That's what happens when you have perfectionism syndrome. The things that I seriously could have passed off five years ago were never quite perfect. But I had to grow!
Okay, so the rest of my summer. :) Clap clap, clap clap clap, clap clap, clap clap clap, E-F-Y! Seriously the greatest week of the whole month. Maybe the whole year. :) But this year, my old age caught up to me! For the first two or three days on and off, I had a horrible attitude. Satan was trying really hard on me, trying to tell me that I was too old and I could be spending my time better. But although I was seriously considering becoming an EFY dropout, God kept me going for the whole time. No wonder Satan didn't want me to go - my testimony got an upgrade there! I learned that truly, we cannot change ourselves. That hit me so hard as the Spirit said "You've known that all along, huh?" Finally it clicked for me. And I cried. Definitely. haha. The other important thing I learned was that I am a daughter of God! Before, that had not clicked with me, and it was repeated so much that it lost its meaning to me. But as our choir director described, Heavenly Father is our Daddy. I have never really thought of it that way. It totally changed my thoughts about Him - now, instead of trying to not be condemned by Him, I could imagine myself as a little girl waving to Him in the pews as we sang. I'm way big on visual and thoughts, and it's hard for me if I don't have a parallel to draw with it, so those few words changed my life. They probably wouldn't have if they weren't said with such love. Some people just have that gift. :) Also, I learned that I need gratitude. The Spirit whispered it to me during scripture study, and the next day our devotional was about gratitude. Coincidence? Nope. :) This was definitely a more spiritual EFY than a friend EFY, but the EFY spirit was still there, and days after it left me yearning for the sheer beauty of such joy. I had to come down off the mountain (as my last post describes). haha
The other big thing was England. The first time I went was with my family. Truthfully, I did not want to come back to America. I fell in love. Hard. The scenery, the lifestyle, the sincerity of the people, coupled with being with family, was beautiful. Then, battling jet lag one night, in the dead silence, a terrifying thought came to me. It had no negative or positive connotations, it was just a thought: "What if I stayed in England?" Okay, that deeply upset me. This was the only summer that I have ever really had that freedom, and it was scary. I was still wondering whether to go or stay the day before I left, but upon my grandma saying I should go home, I thought I should go home, considering it was her house we were staying at. ;) Also, Mum reminded me that I was planning on the spectacular and EFY. I thought I was clear, until lo and behold, in the middle of a sacrament meeting a few weeks later back at home, the thoughts came back. Upon first thinking them, I was still, yes, terrified. But upon further examination through a few days, it became more realistic to me. Yes, two years ago I was scared out of my mind to ride a plane for ten hours as I suffered from panic attacks. But wasn't it God who cured me of my panic attacks by having the faith to believe that He would catch me? He did catch me. :) So I ended up on a plane on August 3, crying in my mother's arms to be so far away for so long. I didn't even know why I was going, but since I couldn't figure it out, I decided to try and find out when I got there. Honestly, still today I don't know exactly why I went. I wasn't saved from a terrible earthquake, I didn't convert any loved ones, and I didn't find my future husband. But I changed. Being immersed in that environment, I became. I found out that God changes us through challenges. He brings out the godhood in us that can't be coaxed out by ten-week plans. It is hard. I spent most nights being the most lonely I have ever been. But what I'm trying to say is that God makes things possible. My dad is a pilot. My grandparents live in England. It was possible. And I grew. I became more confident, I found out how much I love gardening, I helped my grandpa write five chapters of his life story, I became more independent but also closer to my family, I came to appreciate the beauty of where I live plus the joy of being surrounded by friends and members of my church to help keep me strong. Still, I worry about what God will whisper for me to do next, because, yes, it is hard. But if it has the power to change me, alright. I hope to have as great of strength as Lehi and Nephi to follow dreams (literally) and compasses to a promised land. Sometimes it is hard to know what is from God; but although Satan can counterfeit many other emotions (lust for love, thrills for joy), he cannot counterfeit peace. And that's how I knew with England. Considering between staying and going, staying left me with a feeling comfort but no peace. Going left me with fear but peace. I chose to go. I'm hoping this isn't a brag post. It was just probably the biggest step of faith I've taken. A big decision. And you reading this (whoever you are) can do it too. 1 Nephi 3:7, baby. God makes all His commandments possible. TRUTH!
Also, a big step for me this summer is deciding to delete Facebook. And I'm certain that if I hadn't gone to England the second time, this decision would be way way harder, if possible at all. We take certain paths, and depending on what they are, it makes it easier or harder to make good decisions later on! Still, it is ALWAYS possible for us to choose the right. But I'm sure England helped me. :) In fact, that was another thing I learned in England. Facebook is a humongous waste of time for me and it accomplishes very very little for the time I have put into it. haha. In fact, while in England, as I was tempted to go on Facebook, I would stop and say "Wait. What is something that I can accomplish right now instead?". As I did those simple things, the temptation vanished. There was no desire to waste my life any longer. Still, weeks later, it is the same way. Truth has been shed on Facebook. It was a hard decision for me (not as hard as England, however. haha), but this talk - http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?hideNav=1&locale=0&sourceId=1e9ef6e4ff3b8210VgnVCM100000176f620a____&vgnextoid=f318118dd536c010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD - by Brother Bednar sealed my decision. It is difficult to cuts ties with so many people at once, but when the doubts hit my mind, God always has His peaceful counterattacks, and it always wins. For every doubt there is truth. Truth is so comforting, I've found. And living without Facebook is so freeing, as I've also found. My creativity has opened up, my to-do lists are getting done, and as I try to put in more good, I'm hoping to do more service and strengthen my relationship with my family and with the glorious gift of my physical body. Satan tries to minimize the importance of our bodies and he can be pretty effective in our technology-drenched society. After making this decision, I have found that before I lived in two worlds: virtual and real. And by spending such excess in the virtual, the real became less real. Now, I'm not saying everyone needs to delete their Facebook. For some people, it is a tool in God's hands. For me, it is a waste of agency and a desensitizer. According to the definition of an addiction, I definitely had one. Now, I'm not free just by deleting it. That's just getting rid of the sin, and as repentance is defined, I must replace the bad with the good. I favor service. It is a cure-all! Incredible. I love it. Okay, so this post has definitely been a brag post. I'm sorry, a'ight! I have just been letting my brain work through my fingers, no editing and re-editing. These words are my own! Prideful? Probably. That's a pretty all-encompassing sin. But I hope that anything I've said has helped someone reading this to make a tough decision, or feel the Spirit, or choose to be more humble than I have been. ;) haha
And now for a super-wonderful-mom upside-exciting time in my life! BYU-Idaho. :) Bring on the thunder! I'm stoked like a wildfire. :)
So I would say that there were three hallmark moments this summer for me: the Arise youth spectacular, my sixth and final EFY, and England - twice!
The spectacular was just that! Man, it was so much fun! I'm so grateful for the people who put so much work and stress into it. I really enjoyed every minute of it. When people would say "Thank you so much for coming out. I know it's hard," I would think, "Really? This is so much fun, being surrounded by such fun, good people, learning how to sing and dance and wear angel costumes and hip-hop!" haha. I will always remember being in the gym, a zoo of people dressed up in every thinkable costume except a chicken suit! I loved the firesides before the dress rehearsal and two performances. The speaker on the last night talked about passion, I remember. That talk has such good feelings associated with it. It was just one of those times where you stop and think to yourself "This moment is absolutely perfect." And it was. The strength of 3000 youth under one roof was almost palpable.
I loved the opening fireside in January to announce the huge project, I loved the stake practices, I especially loved the council practices, because it was the extra credit to high school. I got to see all my friends one last time, having the best time! And I loved the practices with the other councils, as all the hard work came together. The dress rehearsal and performances were so much fun! There were no butterflies, surrounded by 3000 other kids doing the same thing! It was one of the greatest opportunities that I have been blessed with.
One of my favorite memories from this spectacular was our last practice as the North Council. Up on Weber High's football field, the sun was setting and it was our final dress rehearsal. We went through the whole thing with no major mistakes, showing that battling rain, hail, and heat pays off! There was an incredible spirit in the air, and God was definitely teaching me a life lesson. I'm usually a shy person and I have been my whole life. My friend told me once that our greatest weaknesses on earth were our greatest strengths in heaven. Well, that really applied to me on this night! As the sun was setting and its rays were turning golden (sometimes called Magic Hour), everyone was in the best mood. I started talking to everyone around me, not just people I knew, and it instantly felt so natural! Where I have been timid much of my life, tonight I was totally myself and it felt so good to stretch out my soul! Along with the happiness everyone was already feeling at our spectacular success, I was personally feeling God's gift of seeing more of who I really am. Like the rays of that Magic Hour, that moment in my mind will always remain golden.
Well, I am writing this post to finally finish up Personal Progress! One more hour on this puppy and I'm calling it good. :) It's only taken me six years! That's what happens when you have perfectionism syndrome. The things that I seriously could have passed off five years ago were never quite perfect. But I had to grow!
Okay, so the rest of my summer. :) Clap clap, clap clap clap, clap clap, clap clap clap, E-F-Y! Seriously the greatest week of the whole month. Maybe the whole year. :) But this year, my old age caught up to me! For the first two or three days on and off, I had a horrible attitude. Satan was trying really hard on me, trying to tell me that I was too old and I could be spending my time better. But although I was seriously considering becoming an EFY dropout, God kept me going for the whole time. No wonder Satan didn't want me to go - my testimony got an upgrade there! I learned that truly, we cannot change ourselves. That hit me so hard as the Spirit said "You've known that all along, huh?" Finally it clicked for me. And I cried. Definitely. haha. The other important thing I learned was that I am a daughter of God! Before, that had not clicked with me, and it was repeated so much that it lost its meaning to me. But as our choir director described, Heavenly Father is our Daddy. I have never really thought of it that way. It totally changed my thoughts about Him - now, instead of trying to not be condemned by Him, I could imagine myself as a little girl waving to Him in the pews as we sang. I'm way big on visual and thoughts, and it's hard for me if I don't have a parallel to draw with it, so those few words changed my life. They probably wouldn't have if they weren't said with such love. Some people just have that gift. :) Also, I learned that I need gratitude. The Spirit whispered it to me during scripture study, and the next day our devotional was about gratitude. Coincidence? Nope. :) This was definitely a more spiritual EFY than a friend EFY, but the EFY spirit was still there, and days after it left me yearning for the sheer beauty of such joy. I had to come down off the mountain (as my last post describes). haha
The other big thing was England. The first time I went was with my family. Truthfully, I did not want to come back to America. I fell in love. Hard. The scenery, the lifestyle, the sincerity of the people, coupled with being with family, was beautiful. Then, battling jet lag one night, in the dead silence, a terrifying thought came to me. It had no negative or positive connotations, it was just a thought: "What if I stayed in England?" Okay, that deeply upset me. This was the only summer that I have ever really had that freedom, and it was scary. I was still wondering whether to go or stay the day before I left, but upon my grandma saying I should go home, I thought I should go home, considering it was her house we were staying at. ;) Also, Mum reminded me that I was planning on the spectacular and EFY. I thought I was clear, until lo and behold, in the middle of a sacrament meeting a few weeks later back at home, the thoughts came back. Upon first thinking them, I was still, yes, terrified. But upon further examination through a few days, it became more realistic to me. Yes, two years ago I was scared out of my mind to ride a plane for ten hours as I suffered from panic attacks. But wasn't it God who cured me of my panic attacks by having the faith to believe that He would catch me? He did catch me. :) So I ended up on a plane on August 3, crying in my mother's arms to be so far away for so long. I didn't even know why I was going, but since I couldn't figure it out, I decided to try and find out when I got there. Honestly, still today I don't know exactly why I went. I wasn't saved from a terrible earthquake, I didn't convert any loved ones, and I didn't find my future husband. But I changed. Being immersed in that environment, I became. I found out that God changes us through challenges. He brings out the godhood in us that can't be coaxed out by ten-week plans. It is hard. I spent most nights being the most lonely I have ever been. But what I'm trying to say is that God makes things possible. My dad is a pilot. My grandparents live in England. It was possible. And I grew. I became more confident, I found out how much I love gardening, I helped my grandpa write five chapters of his life story, I became more independent but also closer to my family, I came to appreciate the beauty of where I live plus the joy of being surrounded by friends and members of my church to help keep me strong. Still, I worry about what God will whisper for me to do next, because, yes, it is hard. But if it has the power to change me, alright. I hope to have as great of strength as Lehi and Nephi to follow dreams (literally) and compasses to a promised land. Sometimes it is hard to know what is from God; but although Satan can counterfeit many other emotions (lust for love, thrills for joy), he cannot counterfeit peace. And that's how I knew with England. Considering between staying and going, staying left me with a feeling comfort but no peace. Going left me with fear but peace. I chose to go. I'm hoping this isn't a brag post. It was just probably the biggest step of faith I've taken. A big decision. And you reading this (whoever you are) can do it too. 1 Nephi 3:7, baby. God makes all His commandments possible. TRUTH!
Also, a big step for me this summer is deciding to delete Facebook. And I'm certain that if I hadn't gone to England the second time, this decision would be way way harder, if possible at all. We take certain paths, and depending on what they are, it makes it easier or harder to make good decisions later on! Still, it is ALWAYS possible for us to choose the right. But I'm sure England helped me. :) In fact, that was another thing I learned in England. Facebook is a humongous waste of time for me and it accomplishes very very little for the time I have put into it. haha. In fact, while in England, as I was tempted to go on Facebook, I would stop and say "Wait. What is something that I can accomplish right now instead?". As I did those simple things, the temptation vanished. There was no desire to waste my life any longer. Still, weeks later, it is the same way. Truth has been shed on Facebook. It was a hard decision for me (not as hard as England, however. haha), but this talk - http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?hideNav=1&locale=0&sourceId=1e9ef6e4ff3b8210VgnVCM100000176f620a____&vgnextoid=f318118dd536c010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD - by Brother Bednar sealed my decision. It is difficult to cuts ties with so many people at once, but when the doubts hit my mind, God always has His peaceful counterattacks, and it always wins. For every doubt there is truth. Truth is so comforting, I've found. And living without Facebook is so freeing, as I've also found. My creativity has opened up, my to-do lists are getting done, and as I try to put in more good, I'm hoping to do more service and strengthen my relationship with my family and with the glorious gift of my physical body. Satan tries to minimize the importance of our bodies and he can be pretty effective in our technology-drenched society. After making this decision, I have found that before I lived in two worlds: virtual and real. And by spending such excess in the virtual, the real became less real. Now, I'm not saying everyone needs to delete their Facebook. For some people, it is a tool in God's hands. For me, it is a waste of agency and a desensitizer. According to the definition of an addiction, I definitely had one. Now, I'm not free just by deleting it. That's just getting rid of the sin, and as repentance is defined, I must replace the bad with the good. I favor service. It is a cure-all! Incredible. I love it. Okay, so this post has definitely been a brag post. I'm sorry, a'ight! I have just been letting my brain work through my fingers, no editing and re-editing. These words are my own! Prideful? Probably. That's a pretty all-encompassing sin. But I hope that anything I've said has helped someone reading this to make a tough decision, or feel the Spirit, or choose to be more humble than I have been. ;) haha
And now for a super-wonderful-mom upside-exciting time in my life! BYU-Idaho. :) Bring on the thunder! I'm stoked like a wildfire. :)
7.25.2010
7.24.2010
Opposition
I hate coming down off the mountaintop. :/ I just finished my last EFY yesterday. After such a spiritual high, I came back down to earth pretty hard. Just like with Moses, I feel like Satan is getting at me with his fiery arrows of doubt and guilt as diligently as before. I am a good person, and he is flinging every shaft he has at me. I am very frustrated at earth life right now.
And still, how I complain about having such an incredible experience? I was utterly surrounded by the Spirit for five days. Gash, I just hate decisions. I don't trust my own judgment, which makes no sense since looking back on my life, I have made the right choices. I suffer from perfectionism. Perfectionism is exhausting. Perfectionism can never be quenched; it always sees the line of dirt from where a dustpan doesn't get everything.
My natural man is fighting with the spiritual side of me. How much easier it would be to go back to my old ways, to not change. How impossible it seems to change. I feel like I am back in Satan's territory. I just feel like every choice I make is the wrong one. My heart aches for the peace I felt, for how alive I felt spiritually. In short, the roller coaster of life, of progress, is seeming to have made a stomach-lurching drop.
And still I know it's not true. I know that I am daughter of God. As Daddy's girl, I have all of His divine attributes, however buried beneath the skin of my natural man. And I know that I cannot get to those attributes. I have known it my whole life, but still, I have tried to scrub off that skin. But just like Eustace in the Voyage of the Dawn Treader, I can't tear off the dragon hide myself. Only Christ can tear through that. Jeepers. I felt the Spirit so strongly when our session director testified of that. I still do. When the Spirit testified of it, it softened my heart. Instantly. Wow.
I didn't know that I was a daughter of God either, before EFY. It was a trite saying to me, with as much feeling as a repetitious prayer. As our conductor in the musical program testified that God is our Daddy, I felt it. The Spirit testified. I finally understood what I had been trying to learn all my life. I am so grateful.
And now, my greatest desire is to have the Spirit. I want it so much. And I cannot feel it when guilt takes over, or fear guides my decisions, or doubt destroys my faith. How I yearn for that Spirit in my world. Okay, that pain still is not eased, it seems. I have such a hard time with mental trials. I can handle physical pain fine. But mental pain is so hard for me.
And still I feel guilt for this post. It is not spiritually uplifting. It is a vent, plain. And still, this unwarranted guilt guides my actions, making me angrier and angrier that I can never seem to make the right decision.
But still, Satan, you know what? Hope shines through the smog. And there is nothing you can do about it. And through all your violent, harsh, dramatic, desperate attempts, God still wins. God always wins, in His peaceful, childlike, perfect, soft way. He always wins, Satan. There is nothing you can do about that. And today, right now, amidst your pathetic attempts, He wins again. :)
And still, how I complain about having such an incredible experience? I was utterly surrounded by the Spirit for five days. Gash, I just hate decisions. I don't trust my own judgment, which makes no sense since looking back on my life, I have made the right choices. I suffer from perfectionism. Perfectionism is exhausting. Perfectionism can never be quenched; it always sees the line of dirt from where a dustpan doesn't get everything.
My natural man is fighting with the spiritual side of me. How much easier it would be to go back to my old ways, to not change. How impossible it seems to change. I feel like I am back in Satan's territory. I just feel like every choice I make is the wrong one. My heart aches for the peace I felt, for how alive I felt spiritually. In short, the roller coaster of life, of progress, is seeming to have made a stomach-lurching drop.
And still I know it's not true. I know that I am daughter of God. As Daddy's girl, I have all of His divine attributes, however buried beneath the skin of my natural man. And I know that I cannot get to those attributes. I have known it my whole life, but still, I have tried to scrub off that skin. But just like Eustace in the Voyage of the Dawn Treader, I can't tear off the dragon hide myself. Only Christ can tear through that. Jeepers. I felt the Spirit so strongly when our session director testified of that. I still do. When the Spirit testified of it, it softened my heart. Instantly. Wow.
I didn't know that I was a daughter of God either, before EFY. It was a trite saying to me, with as much feeling as a repetitious prayer. As our conductor in the musical program testified that God is our Daddy, I felt it. The Spirit testified. I finally understood what I had been trying to learn all my life. I am so grateful.
And now, my greatest desire is to have the Spirit. I want it so much. And I cannot feel it when guilt takes over, or fear guides my decisions, or doubt destroys my faith. How I yearn for that Spirit in my world. Okay, that pain still is not eased, it seems. I have such a hard time with mental trials. I can handle physical pain fine. But mental pain is so hard for me.
And still I feel guilt for this post. It is not spiritually uplifting. It is a vent, plain. And still, this unwarranted guilt guides my actions, making me angrier and angrier that I can never seem to make the right decision.
But still, Satan, you know what? Hope shines through the smog. And there is nothing you can do about it. And through all your violent, harsh, dramatic, desperate attempts, God still wins. God always wins, in His peaceful, childlike, perfect, soft way. He always wins, Satan. There is nothing you can do about that. And today, right now, amidst your pathetic attempts, He wins again. :)
7.22.2010
Dear Caitlin :)
Well this stinks! My best friend just left for California for the next six months! I dedicate this post to her. She is the only one I have met who will laugh at my full sense of humor and even get half of my jokes! She is the most genuine person I have met. And the sweetest! Really. She helps anyone...she has set up two fundraisers, she gave people presents on her birthday, she always offers to do things when she is already super booked. She is a genuinely happy person, despite her trials. She has some of the highest standards and does not waver on them. She is incredibly humble and selfless. She has deep beauty! Nothing artificial (not even her hips!) about her. She loves nature and leaves people better, usually smiling. Her laugh is unforgettable, just like she is. We are soul sisters, and I honestly hope to be more like her. I love you Caitlin!
7.07.2010
Broken Things to Mend
"The first words Jesus spoke in His majestic Sermon on the Mount were to the troubled, the discouraged and downhearted. “Blessed are the poor in spirit,” He said, “for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.” 1 Whether you are members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints or among the tens of thousands listening this morning who are not of our faith, I speak to those who are facing personal trials and family struggles, those who endure conflicts fought in the lonely foxholes of the heart, those trying to hold back floodwaters of despair that sometimes wash over us like a tsunami of the soul. I wish to speak particularly to you who feel your lives are broken, seemingly beyond repair.
To all such I offer the surest and sweetest remedy that I know. It is found in the clarion call the Savior of the world Himself gave. He said it in the beginning of His ministry, and He said it in the end. He said it to believers, and He said it to those who were not so sure. He said to everyone, whatever their personal problems might be:
“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
“Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.” 2
In this promise, that introductory phrase, “come unto me,” is crucial. It is the key to the peace and rest we seek. Indeed, when the resurrected Savior gave His sermon at the temple to the Nephites in the New World, He began, “Blessed are the poor in spirit who come unto me, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.” 3
When Andrew and John first heard Christ speak, they were so moved they followed Him as He walked away from the crowd. Sensing He was being pursued, Jesus turned and asked the two men, “What seek ye?” They answered, “Where dwellest thou?” And Christ said, “Come and see.” The next day He found another disciple, Philip, and said to him, “Follow me.” 4 Just a short time later He formally called Peter and others of the new Apostles with the same spirit of invitation. Come, “follow me,” 5 He said.
It seems clear that the essence of our duty and the fundamental requirement of our mortal life is captured in these brief phrases from any number of scenes in the Savior’s mortal ministry. He is saying to us, “Trust me, learn of me, do what I do. Then, when you walk where I am going,” He says, “we can talk about where you are going, and the problems you face and the troubles you have. If you will follow me, I will lead you out of darkness,” He promises. “I will give you answers to your prayers. I will give you rest to your souls.”
My beloved friends, I know of no other way for us to succeed or to be safe amid life’s many pitfalls and problems. I know of no other way for us to carry our burdens or find what Jacob in the Book of Mormon called “that happiness which is prepared for the saints.” 6
So how does one “come unto Christ” in response to this constant invitation? The scriptures give scores of examples and avenues. You are well acquainted with the most basic ones. The easiest and the earliest comes simply with the desire of our heart, the most basic form of faith that we know. “If ye can no more than desire to believe,” Alma says, exercising just “a particle of faith,” giving even a small place for the promises of God to find a home—that is enough to begin. 7 Just believing, just having a “molecule” of faith—simply hoping for things which are not yet seen in our lives, but which are nevertheless truly there to be bestowed 8—that simple step, when focused on the Lord Jesus Christ, has ever been and always will be the first principle of His eternal gospel, the first step out of despair.
Second, we must change anything we can change that may be part of the problem. In short we must repent, perhaps the most hopeful and encouraging word in the Christian vocabulary. We thank our Father in Heaven we are allowed to change, we thank Jesus we can change, and ultimately we do so only with Their divine assistance. Certainly not everything we struggle with is a result of our actions. Often it is the result of the actions of others or just the mortal events of life. But anything we can change we should change, and we must forgive the rest. In this way our access to the Savior’s Atonement becomes as unimpeded as we, with our imperfections, can make it. He will take it from there.
Third, in as many ways as possible we try to take upon us His identity, and we begin by taking upon us His name. That name is formally bestowed by covenant in the saving ordinances of the gospel. These start with baptism and conclude with temple covenants, with many others, such as partaking of the sacrament, laced throughout our lives as additional blessings and reminders. Teaching the people of his day the message we give this morning, Nephi said: “Follow the Son, with full purpose of heart, … with real intent, … take upon you the name of Christ. … Do the things which I have told you I have seen that your Lord and your Redeemer [will] do.” 9
Following these most basic teachings, a splendor of connections to Christ opens up to us in multitudinous ways: prayer and fasting and meditation upon His purposes, savoring the scriptures, giving service to others, “succor[ing] the weak, lift[ing] up the hands which hang down, … strengthen[ing] the feeble knees.” 10 Above all else, loving with “the pure love of Christ,” that gift that “never faileth,” that gift that “beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, [and] endureth all things.” 11 Soon, with that kind of love, we realize our days hold scores of thoroughfares leading to the Master and that every time we reach out, however feebly, for Him, we discover He has been anxiously trying to reach us. So we step, we strive, we seek, and we never yield. 12
My desire today is for all of us—not just those who are “poor in spirit” but all of us—to have more straightforward personal experience with the Savior’s example. Sometimes we seek heaven too obliquely, focusing on programs or history or the experience of others. Those are important but not as important as personal experience, true discipleship, and the strength that comes from experiencing firsthand the majesty of His touch.
Are you battling a demon of addiction—tobacco or drugs or gambling, or the pernicious contemporary plague of pornography? Is your marriage in trouble or your child in danger? Are you confused with gender identity or searching for self-esteem? Do you—or someone you love—face disease or depression or death? Whatever other steps you may need to take to resolve these concerns, come first to the gospel of Jesus Christ. Trust in heaven’s promises. In that regard Alma’s testimony is my testimony: “I do know,” he says, “that whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions.” 13
This reliance upon the merciful nature of God is at the very center of the gospel Christ taught. I testify that the Savior’s Atonement lifts from us not only the burden of our sins but also the burden of our disappointments and sorrows, our heartaches and our despair. 14 From the beginning, trust in such help was to give us both a reason and a way to improve, an incentive to lay down our burdens and take up our salvation. There can and will be plenty of difficulties in life. Nevertheless, the soul that comes unto Christ, who knows His voice and strives to do as He did, finds a strength, as the hymn says, “beyond [his] own.” 15 The Savior reminds us that He has “graven [us] upon the palms of [His] hands.” 16 Considering the incomprehensible cost of the Crucifixion and Atonement, I promise you He is not going to turn His back on us now. When He says to the poor in spirit, “Come unto me,” He means He knows the way out and He knows the way up. He knows it because He has walked it. He knows the way because He is the way.
Brothers and sisters, whatever your distress, please don’t give up and please don’t yield to fear. I have always been touched that as his son was departing for his mission to England, Brother Bryant S. Hinckley gave young Gordon a farewell embrace and then slipped him a handwritten note with just five words taken from the fifth chapter of Mark: “Be not afraid, only believe.” 17 I think also of that night when Christ rushed to the aid of His frightened disciples, walking as He did on the water to get to them, calling out, “It is I; be not afraid.” Peter exclaimed, “Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water.” Christ’s answer to him was as it always is every time: “Come,” He said. Instantly, as was his nature, Peter sprang over the vessel’s side and into the troubled waters. While his eyes were fixed upon the Lord, the wind could toss his hair and the spray could drench his robes, but all was well—he was coming to Christ. It was only when his faith wavered and fear took control, only when he removed his glance from the Master to look at the furious waves and the ominous black gulf beneath, only then did he begin to sink into the sea. In newer terror he cried out, “Lord, save me.”
Undoubtedly with some sadness, the Master over every problem and fear, He who is the solution to every discouragement and disappointment, stretched out His hand and grasped the drowning disciple with the gentle rebuke, “O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?” 18
If you are lonely, please know you can find comfort. If you are discouraged, please know you can find hope. If you are poor in spirit, please know you can be strengthened. If you feel you are broken, please know you can be mended.
In Nazareth, the narrow road,
That tires the feet and steals the breath,
Passes the place where once abode
The Carpenter of Nazareth.
And up and down the dusty way
The village folk would often wend;
And on the bench, beside Him, lay
Their broken things for Him to mend.
The maiden with the doll she broke,
The woman with the broken chair,
The man with broken plough, or yoke,
Said, “Can you mend it, Carpenter?”
And each received the thing he sought,
In yoke, or plough, or chair, or doll;
The broken thing which each had brought
Returned again a perfect whole.
So, up the hill the long years through,
With heavy step and wistful eye,
The burdened souls their way pursue,
Uttering each the plaintive cry:
“O Carpenter of Nazareth,
This heart, that’s broken past repair,
This life, that’s shattered nigh to death,
Oh, can You mend them, Carpenter?”
And by His kind and ready hand,
His own sweet life is woven through
Our broken lives, until they stand
A New Creation—“all things new.”
“The shattered [substance] of [the] heart,
Desire, ambition, hope, and faith,
Mould Thou into the perfect part,
O, Carpenter of Nazareth!” 19
May we all, especially the poor in spirit, come unto Him and be made whole, I pray, in the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, amen."
-Jeffrey R. Holland, General Conference May 2006
To all such I offer the surest and sweetest remedy that I know. It is found in the clarion call the Savior of the world Himself gave. He said it in the beginning of His ministry, and He said it in the end. He said it to believers, and He said it to those who were not so sure. He said to everyone, whatever their personal problems might be:
“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
“Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.” 2
In this promise, that introductory phrase, “come unto me,” is crucial. It is the key to the peace and rest we seek. Indeed, when the resurrected Savior gave His sermon at the temple to the Nephites in the New World, He began, “Blessed are the poor in spirit who come unto me, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.” 3
When Andrew and John first heard Christ speak, they were so moved they followed Him as He walked away from the crowd. Sensing He was being pursued, Jesus turned and asked the two men, “What seek ye?” They answered, “Where dwellest thou?” And Christ said, “Come and see.” The next day He found another disciple, Philip, and said to him, “Follow me.” 4 Just a short time later He formally called Peter and others of the new Apostles with the same spirit of invitation. Come, “follow me,” 5 He said.
It seems clear that the essence of our duty and the fundamental requirement of our mortal life is captured in these brief phrases from any number of scenes in the Savior’s mortal ministry. He is saying to us, “Trust me, learn of me, do what I do. Then, when you walk where I am going,” He says, “we can talk about where you are going, and the problems you face and the troubles you have. If you will follow me, I will lead you out of darkness,” He promises. “I will give you answers to your prayers. I will give you rest to your souls.”
My beloved friends, I know of no other way for us to succeed or to be safe amid life’s many pitfalls and problems. I know of no other way for us to carry our burdens or find what Jacob in the Book of Mormon called “that happiness which is prepared for the saints.” 6
So how does one “come unto Christ” in response to this constant invitation? The scriptures give scores of examples and avenues. You are well acquainted with the most basic ones. The easiest and the earliest comes simply with the desire of our heart, the most basic form of faith that we know. “If ye can no more than desire to believe,” Alma says, exercising just “a particle of faith,” giving even a small place for the promises of God to find a home—that is enough to begin. 7 Just believing, just having a “molecule” of faith—simply hoping for things which are not yet seen in our lives, but which are nevertheless truly there to be bestowed 8—that simple step, when focused on the Lord Jesus Christ, has ever been and always will be the first principle of His eternal gospel, the first step out of despair.
Second, we must change anything we can change that may be part of the problem. In short we must repent, perhaps the most hopeful and encouraging word in the Christian vocabulary. We thank our Father in Heaven we are allowed to change, we thank Jesus we can change, and ultimately we do so only with Their divine assistance. Certainly not everything we struggle with is a result of our actions. Often it is the result of the actions of others or just the mortal events of life. But anything we can change we should change, and we must forgive the rest. In this way our access to the Savior’s Atonement becomes as unimpeded as we, with our imperfections, can make it. He will take it from there.
Third, in as many ways as possible we try to take upon us His identity, and we begin by taking upon us His name. That name is formally bestowed by covenant in the saving ordinances of the gospel. These start with baptism and conclude with temple covenants, with many others, such as partaking of the sacrament, laced throughout our lives as additional blessings and reminders. Teaching the people of his day the message we give this morning, Nephi said: “Follow the Son, with full purpose of heart, … with real intent, … take upon you the name of Christ. … Do the things which I have told you I have seen that your Lord and your Redeemer [will] do.” 9
Following these most basic teachings, a splendor of connections to Christ opens up to us in multitudinous ways: prayer and fasting and meditation upon His purposes, savoring the scriptures, giving service to others, “succor[ing] the weak, lift[ing] up the hands which hang down, … strengthen[ing] the feeble knees.” 10 Above all else, loving with “the pure love of Christ,” that gift that “never faileth,” that gift that “beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, [and] endureth all things.” 11 Soon, with that kind of love, we realize our days hold scores of thoroughfares leading to the Master and that every time we reach out, however feebly, for Him, we discover He has been anxiously trying to reach us. So we step, we strive, we seek, and we never yield. 12
My desire today is for all of us—not just those who are “poor in spirit” but all of us—to have more straightforward personal experience with the Savior’s example. Sometimes we seek heaven too obliquely, focusing on programs or history or the experience of others. Those are important but not as important as personal experience, true discipleship, and the strength that comes from experiencing firsthand the majesty of His touch.
Are you battling a demon of addiction—tobacco or drugs or gambling, or the pernicious contemporary plague of pornography? Is your marriage in trouble or your child in danger? Are you confused with gender identity or searching for self-esteem? Do you—or someone you love—face disease or depression or death? Whatever other steps you may need to take to resolve these concerns, come first to the gospel of Jesus Christ. Trust in heaven’s promises. In that regard Alma’s testimony is my testimony: “I do know,” he says, “that whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions.” 13
This reliance upon the merciful nature of God is at the very center of the gospel Christ taught. I testify that the Savior’s Atonement lifts from us not only the burden of our sins but also the burden of our disappointments and sorrows, our heartaches and our despair. 14 From the beginning, trust in such help was to give us both a reason and a way to improve, an incentive to lay down our burdens and take up our salvation. There can and will be plenty of difficulties in life. Nevertheless, the soul that comes unto Christ, who knows His voice and strives to do as He did, finds a strength, as the hymn says, “beyond [his] own.” 15 The Savior reminds us that He has “graven [us] upon the palms of [His] hands.” 16 Considering the incomprehensible cost of the Crucifixion and Atonement, I promise you He is not going to turn His back on us now. When He says to the poor in spirit, “Come unto me,” He means He knows the way out and He knows the way up. He knows it because He has walked it. He knows the way because He is the way.
Brothers and sisters, whatever your distress, please don’t give up and please don’t yield to fear. I have always been touched that as his son was departing for his mission to England, Brother Bryant S. Hinckley gave young Gordon a farewell embrace and then slipped him a handwritten note with just five words taken from the fifth chapter of Mark: “Be not afraid, only believe.” 17 I think also of that night when Christ rushed to the aid of His frightened disciples, walking as He did on the water to get to them, calling out, “It is I; be not afraid.” Peter exclaimed, “Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water.” Christ’s answer to him was as it always is every time: “Come,” He said. Instantly, as was his nature, Peter sprang over the vessel’s side and into the troubled waters. While his eyes were fixed upon the Lord, the wind could toss his hair and the spray could drench his robes, but all was well—he was coming to Christ. It was only when his faith wavered and fear took control, only when he removed his glance from the Master to look at the furious waves and the ominous black gulf beneath, only then did he begin to sink into the sea. In newer terror he cried out, “Lord, save me.”
Undoubtedly with some sadness, the Master over every problem and fear, He who is the solution to every discouragement and disappointment, stretched out His hand and grasped the drowning disciple with the gentle rebuke, “O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?” 18
If you are lonely, please know you can find comfort. If you are discouraged, please know you can find hope. If you are poor in spirit, please know you can be strengthened. If you feel you are broken, please know you can be mended.
In Nazareth, the narrow road,
That tires the feet and steals the breath,
Passes the place where once abode
The Carpenter of Nazareth.
And up and down the dusty way
The village folk would often wend;
And on the bench, beside Him, lay
Their broken things for Him to mend.
The maiden with the doll she broke,
The woman with the broken chair,
The man with broken plough, or yoke,
Said, “Can you mend it, Carpenter?”
And each received the thing he sought,
In yoke, or plough, or chair, or doll;
The broken thing which each had brought
Returned again a perfect whole.
So, up the hill the long years through,
With heavy step and wistful eye,
The burdened souls their way pursue,
Uttering each the plaintive cry:
“O Carpenter of Nazareth,
This heart, that’s broken past repair,
This life, that’s shattered nigh to death,
Oh, can You mend them, Carpenter?”
And by His kind and ready hand,
His own sweet life is woven through
Our broken lives, until they stand
A New Creation—“all things new.”
“The shattered [substance] of [the] heart,
Desire, ambition, hope, and faith,
Mould Thou into the perfect part,
O, Carpenter of Nazareth!” 19
May we all, especially the poor in spirit, come unto Him and be made whole, I pray, in the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, amen."
-Jeffrey R. Holland, General Conference May 2006
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