Goal: I went to bed at 10 again...and woke up around 2:30 #NailedIt. So I read the Screwtape Letters for a few hours and finally fell asleep when the sun rose...I don't know why that made me tired, but it worked!

The Lord's hand:
1. I got a ride to church!
2. It can be discouraging to think I can accomplish a huge change in my character. Heavenly Father reminded me: "Of course I can accomplish this! I have the Atonement!" I think sometimes I think it all comes down to willpower. If the Savior was able to help me overcome panic attacks and irrational fears, He can help me overcome any of my weaknesses. He knows how. The Atonement will not fail me in this.
3. I really am excited about this dating fast...
4. I came to understand vulnerability today. It's letting myself be myself. And I'm excited to do it. I'm excited to be myself. I tried it today and IT WAS SO FUN :D It is so nice to let my real self stretch instead of cramming her into the nearest trash can.
5. Among other things, being led to ablogaboutlove.com reinforced the importance of looking after myself physically so I can be in balance emotionally, smiling even when I don't feel like it, and even something as small as surrounding myself by the color yellow. I actually had that thought yesterday, when England was gray and my room was cold--"I need to wear something yellow or red." (Unfortunately, almost everything I packed is a variation of blue...I'm going to do some DI searching when I get home, yes I am yes I am.) But after reading that, I stole the yellow sheet off of one of the beds here to put on my bed, gathered together a stack of yellow books for the table, found some yellow flowers and leaves for my nightstand, and put a yellow post-it note on my bland gray notebook that now says "smile every day". Overboard? Not on your life :)
6. HUGE prayer answered (coming to love myself)--One of THE most important insights I gained today was being led to ablogaboutlove.com. Because of that, I am fighting against the constant barrage of negative self-talk I tell myself every day. I realized that if there was a pie chart of all my self-talk, there would be a meager slice for self-love. Most of the time it's "that was selfish," or "you need to work harder," etc. And while I should be working on all those things, I do not want to base even my self-worth on my actions, because, you know what? I am an unstable, fallible human being. I will never be perfect in this life, and there are a million things I need to do better. And I make a mental note of all of them. All day. Every day. So the thought that came to me (and made me cry!) that whenever I think to myself "Man, I'm so selfish," I finish the sentence with "and you know what? God still loves me, no matter what." I'll write it down a thousand times a day if I need to. If I could understand that one sentence, my life would be changed forever. I am praying and pleading that the Atonement can help me to please understand that. I am tired of self-loathing. It's time for some much needed self-loving. Please please please. I'm crying it up over here right now, harder than I have in a while, thinking about how He loves me and has always loved me. And even though I'm a big slobbery mess right now, He still loves me. This is one of the most important lessons I can ever ever learn. This is the tender mercy of my week, and will be one of the biggest tender mercies of my entire life.

I want to be real for a minute...well, forever, but especially real right now. I went to a really good fireside on Sunday about how the world has made women feel so paranoid about being beautiful enough. I've been thinking about that concept a lot since then, and I am so aware that I fall into that trap. And I'm tired of it! It takes up way too much time and energy, and it is a "thirst" can never be filled. Actually, I've been thinking about how I've had kind of an addictive personality with a few different things. Nothing terrible, but things like blaring music, sugar, and Facebook--things that I always come away from feeling worse. They were thirsts that were never filled, because "you can never get enough of the things you don't need" (Elder Groberg). And I have learned important things from it: like many addictions, I have to 1) stop talking about/thinking about/doing those things, so that the neural pathways in my brain are not being fed as much ("Which wolf will you feed?" sort of mindset), and 2) replace those things with something better. It is a super effective formula. If you're going to pull out weeds, you have to replace them with flowers. I'll give you an example: before, I loved cranking the radio while I drove. After a while though, I recognized that there were a lot of inappropriate songs and messages. I wanted to overcome it, but didn't see how I could. However, I started listening to church music in the car or just singing Primary songs, I filled my iTunes with only church music, I've started listening to Conference talks while I run, and I hardly ever want to listen to worldly music anymore. I LOVE listening to my iTunes--why? I ALWAYS feel better after listening to it. I feel like my desire has literally changed. I hope it lasts forever. The same is true in the case of sugar! My mission president's wife gave up sugar, as did my dad, and that led me to decide that I was going to try it out too. I found out that the more sugar you eat, the more you want sugar. That helped me stop. So, I stopped eating it cold turkey (food puns), and I replaced it with A LOT of fruit. haha. Now, a few months later (when I have occasionally given in to a sugar craving), I recognize how bad it makes me feel, and now it doesn't taste as good to me as fruit does.

So. That was a really long paragraph! But. I want to stop feeding my cravings of trying to be "beautiful enough." And I think I have found something to replace it with! Elder Lynn G. Robbins made the point that we are the most beautiful when we have the Lord's image in our countenances. That comes through actions that I can control, whereas there is only so much I can do to enhance my physical beauty! And it is so true that much about beauty is based on who we truly are. It's amazing how a kind personality and a happy outlook make someone so much more attractive! As Elder Robbins says, "one of the discoveries that our Father in Heaven would have us make is to learn that we have far more control over our happiness than we sometimes think we do."

"Men who saw no beauty in our Savior may also not see your beauty. But men of Christ, acquainted with His grief, will come to love you and say, ‘She is the most beautiful of all.’" (Beauty Tips, Sheralee Bills)

Also, this sounds crazy, but I feel like it was inspiration specifically for me...today I started covering up my mirrors when I'm not using them...and it makes me so happy :D