Ours is a gospel of joy!
P.S. "You ain't got a sandwich, you ain't got a sandwich!"
7.25.2010
7.24.2010
Opposition
I hate coming down off the mountaintop. :/ I just finished my last EFY yesterday. After such a spiritual high, I came back down to earth pretty hard. Just like with Moses, I feel like Satan is getting at me with his fiery arrows of doubt and guilt as diligently as before. I am a good person, and he is flinging every shaft he has at me. I am very frustrated at earth life right now.
And still, how I complain about having such an incredible experience? I was utterly surrounded by the Spirit for five days. Gash, I just hate decisions. I don't trust my own judgment, which makes no sense since looking back on my life, I have made the right choices. I suffer from perfectionism. Perfectionism is exhausting. Perfectionism can never be quenched; it always sees the line of dirt from where a dustpan doesn't get everything.
My natural man is fighting with the spiritual side of me. How much easier it would be to go back to my old ways, to not change. How impossible it seems to change. I feel like I am back in Satan's territory. I just feel like every choice I make is the wrong one. My heart aches for the peace I felt, for how alive I felt spiritually. In short, the roller coaster of life, of progress, is seeming to have made a stomach-lurching drop.
And still I know it's not true. I know that I am daughter of God. As Daddy's girl, I have all of His divine attributes, however buried beneath the skin of my natural man. And I know that I cannot get to those attributes. I have known it my whole life, but still, I have tried to scrub off that skin. But just like Eustace in the Voyage of the Dawn Treader, I can't tear off the dragon hide myself. Only Christ can tear through that. Jeepers. I felt the Spirit so strongly when our session director testified of that. I still do. When the Spirit testified of it, it softened my heart. Instantly. Wow.
I didn't know that I was a daughter of God either, before EFY. It was a trite saying to me, with as much feeling as a repetitious prayer. As our conductor in the musical program testified that God is our Daddy, I felt it. The Spirit testified. I finally understood what I had been trying to learn all my life. I am so grateful.
And now, my greatest desire is to have the Spirit. I want it so much. And I cannot feel it when guilt takes over, or fear guides my decisions, or doubt destroys my faith. How I yearn for that Spirit in my world. Okay, that pain still is not eased, it seems. I have such a hard time with mental trials. I can handle physical pain fine. But mental pain is so hard for me.
And still I feel guilt for this post. It is not spiritually uplifting. It is a vent, plain. And still, this unwarranted guilt guides my actions, making me angrier and angrier that I can never seem to make the right decision.
But still, Satan, you know what? Hope shines through the smog. And there is nothing you can do about it. And through all your violent, harsh, dramatic, desperate attempts, God still wins. God always wins, in His peaceful, childlike, perfect, soft way. He always wins, Satan. There is nothing you can do about that. And today, right now, amidst your pathetic attempts, He wins again. :)
And still, how I complain about having such an incredible experience? I was utterly surrounded by the Spirit for five days. Gash, I just hate decisions. I don't trust my own judgment, which makes no sense since looking back on my life, I have made the right choices. I suffer from perfectionism. Perfectionism is exhausting. Perfectionism can never be quenched; it always sees the line of dirt from where a dustpan doesn't get everything.
My natural man is fighting with the spiritual side of me. How much easier it would be to go back to my old ways, to not change. How impossible it seems to change. I feel like I am back in Satan's territory. I just feel like every choice I make is the wrong one. My heart aches for the peace I felt, for how alive I felt spiritually. In short, the roller coaster of life, of progress, is seeming to have made a stomach-lurching drop.
And still I know it's not true. I know that I am daughter of God. As Daddy's girl, I have all of His divine attributes, however buried beneath the skin of my natural man. And I know that I cannot get to those attributes. I have known it my whole life, but still, I have tried to scrub off that skin. But just like Eustace in the Voyage of the Dawn Treader, I can't tear off the dragon hide myself. Only Christ can tear through that. Jeepers. I felt the Spirit so strongly when our session director testified of that. I still do. When the Spirit testified of it, it softened my heart. Instantly. Wow.
I didn't know that I was a daughter of God either, before EFY. It was a trite saying to me, with as much feeling as a repetitious prayer. As our conductor in the musical program testified that God is our Daddy, I felt it. The Spirit testified. I finally understood what I had been trying to learn all my life. I am so grateful.
And now, my greatest desire is to have the Spirit. I want it so much. And I cannot feel it when guilt takes over, or fear guides my decisions, or doubt destroys my faith. How I yearn for that Spirit in my world. Okay, that pain still is not eased, it seems. I have such a hard time with mental trials. I can handle physical pain fine. But mental pain is so hard for me.
And still I feel guilt for this post. It is not spiritually uplifting. It is a vent, plain. And still, this unwarranted guilt guides my actions, making me angrier and angrier that I can never seem to make the right decision.
But still, Satan, you know what? Hope shines through the smog. And there is nothing you can do about it. And through all your violent, harsh, dramatic, desperate attempts, God still wins. God always wins, in His peaceful, childlike, perfect, soft way. He always wins, Satan. There is nothing you can do about that. And today, right now, amidst your pathetic attempts, He wins again. :)
7.22.2010
Dear Caitlin :)
Well this stinks! My best friend just left for California for the next six months! I dedicate this post to her. She is the only one I have met who will laugh at my full sense of humor and even get half of my jokes! She is the most genuine person I have met. And the sweetest! Really. She helps anyone...she has set up two fundraisers, she gave people presents on her birthday, she always offers to do things when she is already super booked. She is a genuinely happy person, despite her trials. She has some of the highest standards and does not waver on them. She is incredibly humble and selfless. She has deep beauty! Nothing artificial (not even her hips!) about her. She loves nature and leaves people better, usually smiling. Her laugh is unforgettable, just like she is. We are soul sisters, and I honestly hope to be more like her. I love you Caitlin!
7.07.2010
Broken Things to Mend
"The first words Jesus spoke in His majestic Sermon on the Mount were to the troubled, the discouraged and downhearted. “Blessed are the poor in spirit,” He said, “for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.” 1 Whether you are members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints or among the tens of thousands listening this morning who are not of our faith, I speak to those who are facing personal trials and family struggles, those who endure conflicts fought in the lonely foxholes of the heart, those trying to hold back floodwaters of despair that sometimes wash over us like a tsunami of the soul. I wish to speak particularly to you who feel your lives are broken, seemingly beyond repair.
To all such I offer the surest and sweetest remedy that I know. It is found in the clarion call the Savior of the world Himself gave. He said it in the beginning of His ministry, and He said it in the end. He said it to believers, and He said it to those who were not so sure. He said to everyone, whatever their personal problems might be:
“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
“Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.” 2
In this promise, that introductory phrase, “come unto me,” is crucial. It is the key to the peace and rest we seek. Indeed, when the resurrected Savior gave His sermon at the temple to the Nephites in the New World, He began, “Blessed are the poor in spirit who come unto me, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.” 3
When Andrew and John first heard Christ speak, they were so moved they followed Him as He walked away from the crowd. Sensing He was being pursued, Jesus turned and asked the two men, “What seek ye?” They answered, “Where dwellest thou?” And Christ said, “Come and see.” The next day He found another disciple, Philip, and said to him, “Follow me.” 4 Just a short time later He formally called Peter and others of the new Apostles with the same spirit of invitation. Come, “follow me,” 5 He said.
It seems clear that the essence of our duty and the fundamental requirement of our mortal life is captured in these brief phrases from any number of scenes in the Savior’s mortal ministry. He is saying to us, “Trust me, learn of me, do what I do. Then, when you walk where I am going,” He says, “we can talk about where you are going, and the problems you face and the troubles you have. If you will follow me, I will lead you out of darkness,” He promises. “I will give you answers to your prayers. I will give you rest to your souls.”
My beloved friends, I know of no other way for us to succeed or to be safe amid life’s many pitfalls and problems. I know of no other way for us to carry our burdens or find what Jacob in the Book of Mormon called “that happiness which is prepared for the saints.” 6
So how does one “come unto Christ” in response to this constant invitation? The scriptures give scores of examples and avenues. You are well acquainted with the most basic ones. The easiest and the earliest comes simply with the desire of our heart, the most basic form of faith that we know. “If ye can no more than desire to believe,” Alma says, exercising just “a particle of faith,” giving even a small place for the promises of God to find a home—that is enough to begin. 7 Just believing, just having a “molecule” of faith—simply hoping for things which are not yet seen in our lives, but which are nevertheless truly there to be bestowed 8—that simple step, when focused on the Lord Jesus Christ, has ever been and always will be the first principle of His eternal gospel, the first step out of despair.
Second, we must change anything we can change that may be part of the problem. In short we must repent, perhaps the most hopeful and encouraging word in the Christian vocabulary. We thank our Father in Heaven we are allowed to change, we thank Jesus we can change, and ultimately we do so only with Their divine assistance. Certainly not everything we struggle with is a result of our actions. Often it is the result of the actions of others or just the mortal events of life. But anything we can change we should change, and we must forgive the rest. In this way our access to the Savior’s Atonement becomes as unimpeded as we, with our imperfections, can make it. He will take it from there.
Third, in as many ways as possible we try to take upon us His identity, and we begin by taking upon us His name. That name is formally bestowed by covenant in the saving ordinances of the gospel. These start with baptism and conclude with temple covenants, with many others, such as partaking of the sacrament, laced throughout our lives as additional blessings and reminders. Teaching the people of his day the message we give this morning, Nephi said: “Follow the Son, with full purpose of heart, … with real intent, … take upon you the name of Christ. … Do the things which I have told you I have seen that your Lord and your Redeemer [will] do.” 9
Following these most basic teachings, a splendor of connections to Christ opens up to us in multitudinous ways: prayer and fasting and meditation upon His purposes, savoring the scriptures, giving service to others, “succor[ing] the weak, lift[ing] up the hands which hang down, … strengthen[ing] the feeble knees.” 10 Above all else, loving with “the pure love of Christ,” that gift that “never faileth,” that gift that “beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, [and] endureth all things.” 11 Soon, with that kind of love, we realize our days hold scores of thoroughfares leading to the Master and that every time we reach out, however feebly, for Him, we discover He has been anxiously trying to reach us. So we step, we strive, we seek, and we never yield. 12
My desire today is for all of us—not just those who are “poor in spirit” but all of us—to have more straightforward personal experience with the Savior’s example. Sometimes we seek heaven too obliquely, focusing on programs or history or the experience of others. Those are important but not as important as personal experience, true discipleship, and the strength that comes from experiencing firsthand the majesty of His touch.
Are you battling a demon of addiction—tobacco or drugs or gambling, or the pernicious contemporary plague of pornography? Is your marriage in trouble or your child in danger? Are you confused with gender identity or searching for self-esteem? Do you—or someone you love—face disease or depression or death? Whatever other steps you may need to take to resolve these concerns, come first to the gospel of Jesus Christ. Trust in heaven’s promises. In that regard Alma’s testimony is my testimony: “I do know,” he says, “that whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions.” 13
This reliance upon the merciful nature of God is at the very center of the gospel Christ taught. I testify that the Savior’s Atonement lifts from us not only the burden of our sins but also the burden of our disappointments and sorrows, our heartaches and our despair. 14 From the beginning, trust in such help was to give us both a reason and a way to improve, an incentive to lay down our burdens and take up our salvation. There can and will be plenty of difficulties in life. Nevertheless, the soul that comes unto Christ, who knows His voice and strives to do as He did, finds a strength, as the hymn says, “beyond [his] own.” 15 The Savior reminds us that He has “graven [us] upon the palms of [His] hands.” 16 Considering the incomprehensible cost of the Crucifixion and Atonement, I promise you He is not going to turn His back on us now. When He says to the poor in spirit, “Come unto me,” He means He knows the way out and He knows the way up. He knows it because He has walked it. He knows the way because He is the way.
Brothers and sisters, whatever your distress, please don’t give up and please don’t yield to fear. I have always been touched that as his son was departing for his mission to England, Brother Bryant S. Hinckley gave young Gordon a farewell embrace and then slipped him a handwritten note with just five words taken from the fifth chapter of Mark: “Be not afraid, only believe.” 17 I think also of that night when Christ rushed to the aid of His frightened disciples, walking as He did on the water to get to them, calling out, “It is I; be not afraid.” Peter exclaimed, “Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water.” Christ’s answer to him was as it always is every time: “Come,” He said. Instantly, as was his nature, Peter sprang over the vessel’s side and into the troubled waters. While his eyes were fixed upon the Lord, the wind could toss his hair and the spray could drench his robes, but all was well—he was coming to Christ. It was only when his faith wavered and fear took control, only when he removed his glance from the Master to look at the furious waves and the ominous black gulf beneath, only then did he begin to sink into the sea. In newer terror he cried out, “Lord, save me.”
Undoubtedly with some sadness, the Master over every problem and fear, He who is the solution to every discouragement and disappointment, stretched out His hand and grasped the drowning disciple with the gentle rebuke, “O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?” 18
If you are lonely, please know you can find comfort. If you are discouraged, please know you can find hope. If you are poor in spirit, please know you can be strengthened. If you feel you are broken, please know you can be mended.
In Nazareth, the narrow road,
That tires the feet and steals the breath,
Passes the place where once abode
The Carpenter of Nazareth.
And up and down the dusty way
The village folk would often wend;
And on the bench, beside Him, lay
Their broken things for Him to mend.
The maiden with the doll she broke,
The woman with the broken chair,
The man with broken plough, or yoke,
Said, “Can you mend it, Carpenter?”
And each received the thing he sought,
In yoke, or plough, or chair, or doll;
The broken thing which each had brought
Returned again a perfect whole.
So, up the hill the long years through,
With heavy step and wistful eye,
The burdened souls their way pursue,
Uttering each the plaintive cry:
“O Carpenter of Nazareth,
This heart, that’s broken past repair,
This life, that’s shattered nigh to death,
Oh, can You mend them, Carpenter?”
And by His kind and ready hand,
His own sweet life is woven through
Our broken lives, until they stand
A New Creation—“all things new.”
“The shattered [substance] of [the] heart,
Desire, ambition, hope, and faith,
Mould Thou into the perfect part,
O, Carpenter of Nazareth!” 19
May we all, especially the poor in spirit, come unto Him and be made whole, I pray, in the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, amen."
-Jeffrey R. Holland, General Conference May 2006
To all such I offer the surest and sweetest remedy that I know. It is found in the clarion call the Savior of the world Himself gave. He said it in the beginning of His ministry, and He said it in the end. He said it to believers, and He said it to those who were not so sure. He said to everyone, whatever their personal problems might be:
“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
“Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.” 2
In this promise, that introductory phrase, “come unto me,” is crucial. It is the key to the peace and rest we seek. Indeed, when the resurrected Savior gave His sermon at the temple to the Nephites in the New World, He began, “Blessed are the poor in spirit who come unto me, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.” 3
When Andrew and John first heard Christ speak, they were so moved they followed Him as He walked away from the crowd. Sensing He was being pursued, Jesus turned and asked the two men, “What seek ye?” They answered, “Where dwellest thou?” And Christ said, “Come and see.” The next day He found another disciple, Philip, and said to him, “Follow me.” 4 Just a short time later He formally called Peter and others of the new Apostles with the same spirit of invitation. Come, “follow me,” 5 He said.
It seems clear that the essence of our duty and the fundamental requirement of our mortal life is captured in these brief phrases from any number of scenes in the Savior’s mortal ministry. He is saying to us, “Trust me, learn of me, do what I do. Then, when you walk where I am going,” He says, “we can talk about where you are going, and the problems you face and the troubles you have. If you will follow me, I will lead you out of darkness,” He promises. “I will give you answers to your prayers. I will give you rest to your souls.”
My beloved friends, I know of no other way for us to succeed or to be safe amid life’s many pitfalls and problems. I know of no other way for us to carry our burdens or find what Jacob in the Book of Mormon called “that happiness which is prepared for the saints.” 6
So how does one “come unto Christ” in response to this constant invitation? The scriptures give scores of examples and avenues. You are well acquainted with the most basic ones. The easiest and the earliest comes simply with the desire of our heart, the most basic form of faith that we know. “If ye can no more than desire to believe,” Alma says, exercising just “a particle of faith,” giving even a small place for the promises of God to find a home—that is enough to begin. 7 Just believing, just having a “molecule” of faith—simply hoping for things which are not yet seen in our lives, but which are nevertheless truly there to be bestowed 8—that simple step, when focused on the Lord Jesus Christ, has ever been and always will be the first principle of His eternal gospel, the first step out of despair.
Second, we must change anything we can change that may be part of the problem. In short we must repent, perhaps the most hopeful and encouraging word in the Christian vocabulary. We thank our Father in Heaven we are allowed to change, we thank Jesus we can change, and ultimately we do so only with Their divine assistance. Certainly not everything we struggle with is a result of our actions. Often it is the result of the actions of others or just the mortal events of life. But anything we can change we should change, and we must forgive the rest. In this way our access to the Savior’s Atonement becomes as unimpeded as we, with our imperfections, can make it. He will take it from there.
Third, in as many ways as possible we try to take upon us His identity, and we begin by taking upon us His name. That name is formally bestowed by covenant in the saving ordinances of the gospel. These start with baptism and conclude with temple covenants, with many others, such as partaking of the sacrament, laced throughout our lives as additional blessings and reminders. Teaching the people of his day the message we give this morning, Nephi said: “Follow the Son, with full purpose of heart, … with real intent, … take upon you the name of Christ. … Do the things which I have told you I have seen that your Lord and your Redeemer [will] do.” 9
Following these most basic teachings, a splendor of connections to Christ opens up to us in multitudinous ways: prayer and fasting and meditation upon His purposes, savoring the scriptures, giving service to others, “succor[ing] the weak, lift[ing] up the hands which hang down, … strengthen[ing] the feeble knees.” 10 Above all else, loving with “the pure love of Christ,” that gift that “never faileth,” that gift that “beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, [and] endureth all things.” 11 Soon, with that kind of love, we realize our days hold scores of thoroughfares leading to the Master and that every time we reach out, however feebly, for Him, we discover He has been anxiously trying to reach us. So we step, we strive, we seek, and we never yield. 12
My desire today is for all of us—not just those who are “poor in spirit” but all of us—to have more straightforward personal experience with the Savior’s example. Sometimes we seek heaven too obliquely, focusing on programs or history or the experience of others. Those are important but not as important as personal experience, true discipleship, and the strength that comes from experiencing firsthand the majesty of His touch.
Are you battling a demon of addiction—tobacco or drugs or gambling, or the pernicious contemporary plague of pornography? Is your marriage in trouble or your child in danger? Are you confused with gender identity or searching for self-esteem? Do you—or someone you love—face disease or depression or death? Whatever other steps you may need to take to resolve these concerns, come first to the gospel of Jesus Christ. Trust in heaven’s promises. In that regard Alma’s testimony is my testimony: “I do know,” he says, “that whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions.” 13
This reliance upon the merciful nature of God is at the very center of the gospel Christ taught. I testify that the Savior’s Atonement lifts from us not only the burden of our sins but also the burden of our disappointments and sorrows, our heartaches and our despair. 14 From the beginning, trust in such help was to give us both a reason and a way to improve, an incentive to lay down our burdens and take up our salvation. There can and will be plenty of difficulties in life. Nevertheless, the soul that comes unto Christ, who knows His voice and strives to do as He did, finds a strength, as the hymn says, “beyond [his] own.” 15 The Savior reminds us that He has “graven [us] upon the palms of [His] hands.” 16 Considering the incomprehensible cost of the Crucifixion and Atonement, I promise you He is not going to turn His back on us now. When He says to the poor in spirit, “Come unto me,” He means He knows the way out and He knows the way up. He knows it because He has walked it. He knows the way because He is the way.
Brothers and sisters, whatever your distress, please don’t give up and please don’t yield to fear. I have always been touched that as his son was departing for his mission to England, Brother Bryant S. Hinckley gave young Gordon a farewell embrace and then slipped him a handwritten note with just five words taken from the fifth chapter of Mark: “Be not afraid, only believe.” 17 I think also of that night when Christ rushed to the aid of His frightened disciples, walking as He did on the water to get to them, calling out, “It is I; be not afraid.” Peter exclaimed, “Lord, if it be thou, bid me come unto thee on the water.” Christ’s answer to him was as it always is every time: “Come,” He said. Instantly, as was his nature, Peter sprang over the vessel’s side and into the troubled waters. While his eyes were fixed upon the Lord, the wind could toss his hair and the spray could drench his robes, but all was well—he was coming to Christ. It was only when his faith wavered and fear took control, only when he removed his glance from the Master to look at the furious waves and the ominous black gulf beneath, only then did he begin to sink into the sea. In newer terror he cried out, “Lord, save me.”
Undoubtedly with some sadness, the Master over every problem and fear, He who is the solution to every discouragement and disappointment, stretched out His hand and grasped the drowning disciple with the gentle rebuke, “O thou of little faith, wherefore didst thou doubt?” 18
If you are lonely, please know you can find comfort. If you are discouraged, please know you can find hope. If you are poor in spirit, please know you can be strengthened. If you feel you are broken, please know you can be mended.
In Nazareth, the narrow road,
That tires the feet and steals the breath,
Passes the place where once abode
The Carpenter of Nazareth.
And up and down the dusty way
The village folk would often wend;
And on the bench, beside Him, lay
Their broken things for Him to mend.
The maiden with the doll she broke,
The woman with the broken chair,
The man with broken plough, or yoke,
Said, “Can you mend it, Carpenter?”
And each received the thing he sought,
In yoke, or plough, or chair, or doll;
The broken thing which each had brought
Returned again a perfect whole.
So, up the hill the long years through,
With heavy step and wistful eye,
The burdened souls their way pursue,
Uttering each the plaintive cry:
“O Carpenter of Nazareth,
This heart, that’s broken past repair,
This life, that’s shattered nigh to death,
Oh, can You mend them, Carpenter?”
And by His kind and ready hand,
His own sweet life is woven through
Our broken lives, until they stand
A New Creation—“all things new.”
“The shattered [substance] of [the] heart,
Desire, ambition, hope, and faith,
Mould Thou into the perfect part,
O, Carpenter of Nazareth!” 19
May we all, especially the poor in spirit, come unto Him and be made whole, I pray, in the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, amen."
-Jeffrey R. Holland, General Conference May 2006
5.23.2010
4.29.2010
"Be close enough to feel You now. There have been moments when I could not face Goliath on my own, and how I could I forget we marched around our share of Jerichos...But tonight my heart is heavy and I cannot keep from whispering this prayer: Are You there?"
-Small Enough, Mindy Gledhill
-Small Enough, Mindy Gledhill
"Just want to know you're going to hold me if I start to cry."
4.16.2010
Dear Viva la Vida
Here's a bit of my life!
I love this woman! She is my soul sister and the kindest person I know. May I be more like her! May her potato crop be blessed one hundredfold!
Alastair + Andrew's girlfriend + holding hands = paparazzi
Good news!
I finished my challenge!
But you know what I learned more than anything? God is the One Who changes you. Not a doubt in my mind. One example! I am so bad at going to bed early. However! For one whole month, I went to bed earlier and earlier! And how? My mindset was changed. My views changed, and my actions followed. Before, I strained myself so hard to change and every time I couldn't do it I would beat myself up. But He can change me if I'm willing. I don't want this to be a trite phrase that I've heard so often that I forget how true it is. You know, there are some phrases that to me have been said so much that they lose their potency. Sadly, they are some of the most important things I need to know: "You are a daughter of God." Other things. Man, Satan really can distract us, huh?
You know, here goes: I want to celebrate myself! It has been too long. Too often have I shoved down the urge to see the good in me, and to only see the bad. Bad Dobby! My thoughts are a bit disheveled, but I don't really need to explain.
Can I just say one more thing? Sometimes I wish I could see behind the curtain of life to where God is directing my life, to be able to see "Oh, I wasn't progressing then because of this", "Oh, I was prompted here for this reason." I'm hoping I'll be able to see how it fits together when I cross the veil.
Another thing! I'm just going to let it all flow, not edit, re-edit, cross-reference, rinse, repeat. Darn it, now I forgot what I was going to say. Oh! Never mind. I won't say that, it'll just get me all riled up again. haha. Oh yeah! Sometimes...I try WAY too hard. You know who told me that? My tennis coach! When she told me that I was completely surprised. I thought I wasn't trying hard enough! Perfectionist syndrome. And it doesn't just apply to tennis! It applies to LIFE. Okay, I'm going to live at home for the rest of my life! No. Not what that means. WHAT it means is that I need to chill out! Like with snowboarding. I had the best time ever, because I finally figured out that I needed to be more loose! I fell a lot more often, but it hurt a lot less! Same thing in life. Phew. I guess it's better to try too hard than to not try at all...extremes are not good at all, really. All things in moderation...if that statement is true, then wouldn't it really be SOME things in moderation? haha
Dear Viva la Vida,
It's official. My love for you is more than infatuation. Our romance has been going on for two years, and I haven't gotten sick of you! "If that ain't love then I don't know what love is." haha
Man. Ahh! Man. I think we were created in a way that we already have everything we need to succeed. Which is why I need to not try so hard! That does not mean I should stop giving my best, just realize that my strengths are inherent from God, natural, and trying to force them makes them, well, more forced. We are meant to have joy in life! So often I feel that I have to paste a smile on. The thing is, I know how to smile! I do it! It feels so good to not restrain myself for once. In a way it's scary, because so often I feel we are to bridle all our passions. I can be uptight. Not an awesome trait to have, but it keeps me safe! I'm just trying to figure things out, get away from conceptions people have of, start fresh. Mmm, that sounds so delicious. Let's start something new! I want to be myself! Mmm, remembering sophomore year, when things were so fresh. That was incredible. I'm ready for a new beginning. So ready. :)
I finished my challenge!
FACT: Smiling makes you happier! I had about 25 cheese-it moments in those two weeks!
But you know what I learned more than anything? God is the One Who changes you. Not a doubt in my mind. One example! I am so bad at going to bed early. However! For one whole month, I went to bed earlier and earlier! And how? My mindset was changed. My views changed, and my actions followed. Before, I strained myself so hard to change and every time I couldn't do it I would beat myself up. But He can change me if I'm willing. I don't want this to be a trite phrase that I've heard so often that I forget how true it is. You know, there are some phrases that to me have been said so much that they lose their potency. Sadly, they are some of the most important things I need to know: "You are a daughter of God." Other things. Man, Satan really can distract us, huh?
You know, here goes: I want to celebrate myself! It has been too long. Too often have I shoved down the urge to see the good in me, and to only see the bad. Bad Dobby! My thoughts are a bit disheveled, but I don't really need to explain.
Can I just say one more thing? Sometimes I wish I could see behind the curtain of life to where God is directing my life, to be able to see "Oh, I wasn't progressing then because of this", "Oh, I was prompted here for this reason." I'm hoping I'll be able to see how it fits together when I cross the veil.
Another thing! I'm just going to let it all flow, not edit, re-edit, cross-reference, rinse, repeat. Darn it, now I forgot what I was going to say. Oh! Never mind. I won't say that, it'll just get me all riled up again. haha. Oh yeah! Sometimes...I try WAY too hard. You know who told me that? My tennis coach! When she told me that I was completely surprised. I thought I wasn't trying hard enough! Perfectionist syndrome. And it doesn't just apply to tennis! It applies to LIFE. Okay, I'm going to live at home for the rest of my life! No. Not what that means. WHAT it means is that I need to chill out! Like with snowboarding. I had the best time ever, because I finally figured out that I needed to be more loose! I fell a lot more often, but it hurt a lot less! Same thing in life. Phew. I guess it's better to try too hard than to not try at all...extremes are not good at all, really. All things in moderation...if that statement is true, then wouldn't it really be SOME things in moderation? haha
Dear Viva la Vida,
It's official. My love for you is more than infatuation. Our romance has been going on for two years, and I haven't gotten sick of you! "If that ain't love then I don't know what love is." haha
Man. Ahh! Man. I think we were created in a way that we already have everything we need to succeed. Which is why I need to not try so hard! That does not mean I should stop giving my best, just realize that my strengths are inherent from God, natural, and trying to force them makes them, well, more forced. We are meant to have joy in life! So often I feel that I have to paste a smile on. The thing is, I know how to smile! I do it! It feels so good to not restrain myself for once. In a way it's scary, because so often I feel we are to bridle all our passions. I can be uptight. Not an awesome trait to have, but it keeps me safe! I'm just trying to figure things out, get away from conceptions people have of, start fresh. Mmm, that sounds so delicious. Let's start something new! I want to be myself! Mmm, remembering sophomore year, when things were so fresh. That was incredible. I'm ready for a new beginning. So ready. :)
I am grateful for a seminary building so close to school, a place I can go for parental release when I don't have a car and Cole Bear looks bored. :) A good use of time, I dare say!
By the way, congratulations to our new SBOs! Lead us on to victory!
By the way, congratulations to our new SBOs! Lead us on to victory!
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