"Be close enough to feel You now. There have been moments when I could not face Goliath on my own, and how I could I forget we marched around our share of Jerichos...But tonight my heart is heavy and I cannot keep from whispering this prayer: Are You there?"
-Small Enough, Mindy Gledhill

"Just want to know you're going to hold me if I start to cry."

Dear Viva la Vida

Here's a bit of my life!

I love this woman! She is my soul sister and the kindest person I know. May I be more like her! May her potato crop be blessed one hundredfold!

Alastair + Andrew's girlfriend + holding hands = paparazzi

Good news!

I finished my challenge!

FACT: Smiling makes you happier! I had about 25 cheese-it moments in those two weeks!

But you know what I learned more than anything? God is the One Who changes you. Not a doubt in my mind. One example! I am so bad at going to bed early. However! For one whole month, I went to bed earlier and earlier! And how? My mindset was changed. My views changed, and my actions followed. Before, I strained myself so hard to change and every time I couldn't do it I would beat myself up. But He can change me if I'm willing. I don't want this to be a trite phrase that I've heard so often that I forget how true it is. You know, there are some phrases that to me have been said so much that they lose their potency. Sadly, they are some of the most important things I need to know: "You are a daughter of God." Other things. Man, Satan really can distract us, huh?

You know, here goes: I want to celebrate myself! It has been too long. Too often have I shoved down the urge to see the good in me, and to only see the bad. Bad Dobby! My thoughts are a bit disheveled, but I don't really need to explain.

Can I just say one more thing? Sometimes I wish I could see behind the curtain of life to where God is directing my life, to be able to see "Oh, I wasn't progressing then because of this", "Oh, I was prompted here for this reason." I'm hoping I'll be able to see how it fits together when I cross the veil.

Another thing! I'm just going to let it all flow, not edit, re-edit, cross-reference, rinse, repeat. Darn it, now I forgot what I was going to say. Oh! Never mind. I won't say that, it'll just get me all riled up again. haha. Oh yeah! Sometimes...I try WAY too hard. You know who told me that? My tennis coach! When she told me that I was completely surprised. I thought I wasn't trying hard enough! Perfectionist syndrome. And it doesn't just apply to tennis! It applies to LIFE. Okay, I'm going to live at home for the rest of my life! No. Not what that means. WHAT it means is that I need to chill out! Like with snowboarding. I had the best time ever, because I finally figured out that I needed to be more loose! I fell a lot more often, but it hurt a lot less! Same thing in life. Phew. I guess it's better to try too hard than to not try at all...extremes are not good at all, really. All things in moderation...if that statement is true, then wouldn't it really be SOME things in moderation? haha

Dear Viva la Vida,
It's official. My love for you is more than infatuation. Our romance has been going on for two years, and I haven't gotten sick of you! "If that ain't love then I don't know what love is." haha

Man. Ahh! Man. I think we were created in a way that we already have everything we need to succeed. Which is why I need to not try so hard! That does not mean I should stop giving my best, just realize that my strengths are inherent from God, natural, and trying to force them makes them, well, more forced. We are meant to have joy in life! So often I feel that I have to paste a smile on. The thing is, I know how to smile! I do it! It feels so good to not restrain myself for once. In a way it's scary, because so often I feel we are to bridle all our passions. I can be uptight. Not an awesome trait to have, but it keeps me safe! I'm just trying to figure things out, get away from conceptions people have of, start fresh. Mmm, that sounds so delicious. Let's start something new! I want to be myself! Mmm, remembering sophomore year, when things were so fresh. That was incredible. I'm ready for a new beginning. So ready. :)

I am grateful for a seminary building so close to school, a place I can go for parental release when I don't have a car and Cole Bear looks bored. :) A good use of time, I dare say!

By the way, congratulations to our new SBOs! Lead us on to victory!

(enade)

My beautiful corsage!
To old to ride, eh?

We have a connection, there is no doubt about it.

The infamous boutonniere...

Garr! Tha Attitude o' Gratitude

Oh jeepers. Things are crazy right now! So. I got asked to prom by this wizard a few weeks ago! (I am so grateful. I feel for my sistas out there who aren't going - it hurts, I know.) Later, he called me and said his grades weren't good and his dad most likely wouldn't let him go to the dance. Bless him for telling me early instead of the night before. I was pretty sad! Well, my friend Cap'n Peach Fuzz* and I call each other most nights to talk about Preach My Gospel together and tonight was no different. He called a few minutes after I found out and I told him the news.

Says he: "Do you want to go?"
"Yeah!"
"With me?"
"Okay, alright!"

haha. And so we're going to prom together! And I am stoked as a wildfire. :)

(*Name has been changed to protect identity.)

In other news! I need to let off some steam before this little teapot explodes. Here goes! The capital letters are coming out, folks!

I AM DONE WITH SCHOOL!

Okay. Not really. But at this point I wish I was. I am a little frustrated with how spread out I am. Ever seen that Mormonad with the guy spread out on a piece of toast? Graphic. haha. Just kidding. That's just kind of how I feel. The only thing is, I'm not even involved in a million things! I'm not running a non-profit organization and baking two dozen cupcakes and accompanying a baker's dozen of soloists like some of my friends...ahem. haha. Here's the thing: I'm a perfectionist. I'm trying to be better about doing things even if they're not perfect. And I am becoming better at not listening to the voices that say I'm not good enough, through God's help. Bless Him. :)

In other news! I think I found a possible future career. :) I am going into photography at BYU-I this fall...and that sounds so crazy. It seems like just yesterday I was a small infant child! haha. I'm not so sure about photography as a career. Shorely it would be mom-friendly, but on terms of passion, it doesn't put the thumb on the spot...or however that phrase goes. It came to me tonight that maybe I could interview older people and put their life stories together into books for their children! I am still into photography, you see. And I love listening to old people's stories just as much as they love telling them! So that could combine passion and necessity. I am also considering a career that has to do with the church, like a seminary teacher or something with genealogy. Also, after going to the hunger banquet at BYU, I have thought about going into humanitarian aid. Building a school in Africa or helping to teach agriculture and economic techniques in a third-world country would be so fulfilling! However...not very mom-friendly. haha. I learned some really cool things from that hunger fest though. Ready for a cool quote?

Here goes:

"We are more similiar than we are different...We differ not in our worth, but in our circumstances."

So true! The speaker there said we have a responsibility to help others who were not "born in the right zip code". And it's true! I just imagined what an impact that room of 300+ could do if we were all sent out to different countries for just one month. The speaker also talked about

human dignity.

People are able! We are able to lift ourselves out of poverty, if given the tools and the opportunities! No matter our circumstances, we all deserve respect. I highly recommend reading Banker to the Poor by Muhammad Yunus. It's about a man who breaks the slavery of women caught in a cycle of borrowing money from loan sharks who keep them in debt. Yunus saw this cycle of poverty, and by lending money to those women, enough to let them sell their materials themselves and become liberated, he helped them. He lended about 40 cents to each woman - a tiny amount! That 40 cents

changed their entire lives.

It's called microlending, and where it's been practiced in Bangledesh, it's had a profound effect on the people. They have gained freedom from poverty. Yunus has started Grameen Bank, and unlike other banks, he has no interest rates and he only lends to the poor (mostly to women, because they spend their money on their families). The bank has a 99 percent return rate from their lendings. I think it's incredible! I would love to help out with something like that.

Man, I had a lot to get out there!

Oh! And here are some random things I'm grateful for:

• eyebrows - Without them, how would I show emotion? How would I keep the shampoo out of my eyes?
• living in Utah - My life would be so different! We are so blessed to have such incredible opportunities and to have temples dot the land about us. So grateful. :)
• good music - Always been grateful, but I am becoming more and more grateful as faddish music becomes more and more unoriginal. You know those songs that are just incredible? Love them to death. haha
• thumbs - Have you ever tried to open a door without your thumbs? 'Nuff said.
• myself - Where would I be without me? haha. Just kidding. I just have learned to love myself lately and I am so much happier! Glad I can be my own best friend, not my biggest critic. Where would I be without my Savior, the One who blessed me with the power to turn my weaknesses into strengths?

I could go on for years. In fact, I will! Every day. There is so much to be grateful for! I'm grateful for gratitude! haha

Lastly, I want to say how incredibly grateful I am to have

the gospel.

In its purest sense - past the magnet boards, green Jell-o, and polka dot bows, precious as they are - it is the joy that comes from living the truth. The spirit of the Oquirrh Mountain open house, the Christlike love of President Hinckley, the sunsets from Frog Rock, the incredibly stirring music of Jenny Oaks Baker - these to me symbolize the gospel. It is a living thing, so powerful, so simple, indiscriminate of anyone - it is beautiful, stirring. I haven't experienced it all, but I am enthralled by it. It touches my very core, makes it ache with goodness, and I am never the same. I don't know how to explain it. I invite you to partake of it if you don't have it, my friends. You have nothing to lose, and it is my greatest blessing. I would trade it for nothing. It answers my every question. It makes so much sense! I could not imagine how I would feel if I didn't know why we're here, how our Father feels about us, and where we're going after this day of life. It encompasses my entire life and always gives me more than I deserve. I am eternally grateful!

Life Living

Life is beautiful, I've decided. And I think after I fall in love with a boy and get married to him, I'll fall in love with my kids! haha. Happy Valentine's Day!

Off Season

Okay, like seriously? I still miss this summer so much. More than I did before. Will I ever get over it? Maybe not. It was the most spiritual time of my life. Erm. What am I trying to say? One of my friends is just so good at loving every person she sees! I want to be more like her. Lately though, I've been feeling so powerless towards my weaknesses. Kind of like I'm stuck in these habits. Alright, we're trying meekness in affliction here. So, some things can be so different! One of my closest friends has completely changed, it seems, and I don't know how to help him. Do I be his friend? Does he need his space? Do I make his life harder? I know what I should do, but...I still don't do it. It's one of the things I think over every day. Can I just go on a drive to Legacy highway right now, figure things out? Can I just drive back to some of my very most favorite memories right now? Pretty please? I feel so caught up in routine. I don't want to complain. Right now, I'm in a fruitful stage of life, and I'm so grateful for it! However, I've become prideful and because of it, lost some of my self-respect. I feel like I've lost the drive for service, become selfish. I feel more like the natural man right now. I've lost some diligence in areas like piano and running; however, I will never, ever stop reading my scriptures and praying. I feel like I've become too busy for God, too weak to overcome my weaknesses. I'm becoming numb of feeling, happiness is weak and fleeting. I feel like God and my Savior are disappointed in me, and it hurts. Satan tries to tell me that they don't love me because I'm human. What a lie! I feel like I've forgotten my Savior. And let me tell you, it is an unsettling feeling, void of peace. I need help but I don't know how. I need the temple so much right now. Satan keeps pounding away at my armor in the weakest parts of my character, and I need another layer. My confidence has become worldly, based on worldly things. God has blessed me and I have grown prideful. I feel too lazy to seriously try humility. Oh man, what a workout this life can be sometimes! God did not send me down here to fail. Ahh! I miss it so much. More than I've ever missed anything in my life. What I wouldn't give to have it back. What I wouldn't give.

Mmm.

Owl City always makes my heart twinge a little bit. A pain born of the memories, but worth the memories.